An artist in corporate clothing

Last week I interviewed for job I'm still being considered for here in the Bay Area. It's another one of these marketing meets filmmaking type positions, that in reality is all project management with enough marketing for me to convince myself it's a creative job and enough connection to filmmaking to convince myself that it's related to what I'm really interested in. They told me that two people would be selected from this round to meet the SVP of Marketing and then the decision would be made. I got an email right away that I was one of those two.

This is the job that I gave the presentation for and had a sick feeling afterwards. I thought they were they were not enthused with my ideas, I thought they were grilling me because they didn't think I was qualified. Neither was true. I'm realizing now that everything that happens, is happening inside me. What I see on the outside is only a reflection of what's happening in my mind. It may or may not even be happening!

It occurred to me that I still didn't know why I was even continuing to interview for it. I wondered if it was because I don't like to leave things undone and I didn't want to walk away from an opportunity without understanding fully what the opportunity was. Maybe I thought if they made me a good offer, I'd stay for a little while and do my thing later. "Do my thing later?" Then I realized I didn't even know what the salary range was for this position. When the HR assistant emailed me to set up the next interview, I asked. The salary range was far below what I was expecting and what I would have asked for. Interesting.

Now, all of a sudden, it seems easier to walk away from this position. It becomes the final vote to do my own thing. But it wasn't! Somehow this threw me into an even crazier loop because it made me start to understand that it really doesn't matter whether I have a job or how much the job pays. I reviewed the benefits for the company: Three weeks vacation, over a week of holidays and the time between Christmas and New Year off, free gym and classes, free lunch twice a week, flexible work weeks, free counseling, first time home buying assistance, a $5,000 rebate if you buy a hybrid, paid jury duty and volunteer hours, discounts, free tickets, on and on and on. This is why people want to work there. This is why they can hire people who are over qualified and pay them less than they're used to getting. It's not a stepping stone to something else, this is a lifestyle.

After a talk with the HR gal, she said she could add $10k to the top end of the range and with the potential 20% bonus, it was within $8k of the low end of my range. I felt my throat clench and my stomach turn. I felt myself in danger of considering this job (that I haven't been offered yet) even as everything that came out of my mouth was meant to get them to go away. It was like when I was trying to break up with the last guy I dated: he was perfect on paper but he made my stomach turn. I decided to go to the last interview anyway, wait for the offer and then consider it. The SVP asked me very directly why I wanted the job. My answer was weird, weak and unconvincing, even to me. I couldn't think of a reason in the world why anyone would want this job. All of a sudden it made sense why they keep asking me that question.

A friend of mine asked me the same question only an hour earlier and my answer to her was honest. For this and the last three jobs I've considered, I wanted them "because of the potential that it could help my film career." That was my only answer. I couldn't believe it. How absurd! I'm too afraid to pursue what I really want so I look for it in a job. There's a part of me that wishes I could just get a job in a great company like this one, buy a house, meet a guy, get married and make a bunch of babies and friends who like to ski and camp and take trips together. As the years pass, however, more of me begins to accept that I'm just not that person. I'm an artist. I have more ideas than could ever be utilized in a job and at the end of the day, the only thing that matters to me is expressing myself. I can live without the other stuff but living a life without sharing my ideas and creating art with like minded people isn't living; it's dying a slow, comfortable death. I've spent the last three years discovering what came to me yesterday afternoon in an instant. I *don't* want that job, I never did and no one is convinced that I do, even if they see how my ideas and energy could benefit their company.

Starting my own business is also, I realize, not a means to financial independence in the usual sense. I'm not looking for a business idea that will make me rich. Living in this world of tech startups and VC capital has made me think that I probably could. I certainly have the ideas and smarts and enough talented friends to make it happen, but it isn't what I want. What I want is to make movies. That's it. Documentaries, shorts, features, low budget, big budget, webisodes, it doesn't really matter, as long as it's a film. I had a boss once who said my problem was I have "too much potential." He said that it would be hard for me to stay committed to art because I was capable of too many other things. He said that in 2002. It's true that choice can be paralyzing. It is extremely difficult to intentionally give up the earning potential of a steady career to be an artist. There's no clear path, no guarantee of success and no automatic respect in title.

When I get emails from actor friends, desperate for a job because they're flat broke, or when I hear filmmakers talking about spending everything they have on a film that didn't pay out, it scares me. This is a life of poverty and uncertainty, sometimes temporary, sometimes not. All of this time I've been accusing myself of running away from security, responsibility and commitment because I didn't have a solid career, a husband and a house. It turns out, I'm not not running away from anything, I'm just fumbling towards where I belong. The truth is, I do want those things, but not at the cost of giving up who I am.

"Oh agony, aaa-GO-KNEEEEE!"

One of the things that has always made me a really good project manager is my ability to make decisions. I can assess a situation and instantly make a call, settle a dispute or change course to accommodate bumps in the road. Other people fret and worry over minute details for weeks, flap their arms wondering what to do when something goes wrong, or just spend hours complaining about how everything is screwed up. I just say "this is what we're going to do" and it's done and everyone is happy. Yet in my own life, I find that kind of decision making to be painfully difficult. I agonize over every detail and feeling and possible outcome, I worry about potential missed opportunities and future problems and about whether making these changes makes me a quitter, a flake or just a crazy person.

So here I am, less than a week away from the day that I have to give notice to leave this apartment and I've just been scheduled for another round of interviews at one of the places I last interviewed at. I'm still being considered for the other one as well, it's just that these companies take forever to actually hire a person. Seriously, like months. It's not that I really want this job but it's thrown me for a bit of a loop. I thought I had correctly deduced that they were not that interested in me and my big ideas but maybe I was wrong. I ask myself, what does it mean that I've still got these people after me when I've decided to do my own thing?

Maybe it's a test. If I was leaving San Francisco because I was broke and couldn't find a job, then surely getting one of these would mean that I could stay. If I was going to live at home because I was hurt and disillusioned then surely still being in the running for a job that seems to embrace my thinking would make me feel compelled to stay and take the job. If, however, my conviction to start my own company is strong, and I know that it's what I want to do, then no job is going to change my mind. Maybe it's just a reminder that there will always be jobs for me. They may take longer to get sometimes and it may not be easy to find one that interests me but they are out there. If I don't succeed in this new venture, surely I won't be any less qualified than I am now. That was what I told myself when I quit my career to go act. "If at the end of it, I need a job, I can always get one." And I was right.

The truth is, I have never been more excited about a JOB than I was about the job I moved up here for and yet it never came close to fulfilling the promise that it held. It became obvious that it would never yield the results I had imagined. What are the chances that one of these jobs will? And what about what I really want to do? How long will I make myself wait to finally be brave enough to try a second time? It is very scary to try something new, it took me two years to do it the first time and, actually, about two years the second time. Certainly, it's easier to make a change when one is miserable or down and out and the glimmer of a shiny new job is just the kind of lure that could divert attention from the bigger catch.

Feeling a little vulnerable

Last weekend was pretty rough for me. The loss of purpose in San Francisco suddenly hit me. I missed my friends in L.A., I missed my mom, I missed my apartment in Santa Monica, I missed walking on the beach there, my yoga class, and being able to go to a movie, or even make one at the drop of a hat. A beautifully sunny weekend, after weeks of rain and cold, seemed to make me even more homesick.

It’s true that I was ready for a change or I would not have taken the job up here but it did happen very suddenly. Back in August, I literally dropped everything and without saying goodbye, left L.A. and seemingly, filmmaking. This job was an amazing opportunity, something that would have opened a lot of doors for me and without getting to do it, it’s over.

So I find myself adrift in a strange place with only a friend or two and suddenly facing the consequences of moving. We were told today that my boss is leaving, with three days notice, and it’s likely our department head is as well. He told us that this was the most ambiguous time in our department in the six years he’s been here. Then he told us the story of the lobster who, in order to grow, has to shed his shell and make a new one. But while it’s growing, the lobster is very vulnerable and has to find a place to hide so as not to be eaten. He suggested that now was such a time and for us to take care.

It’s possible that the doors that are meant to open for me here have already presented themselves and it took me leaving L.A. to appreciate what I had there to figure out what I want. I’m just feeling a little vulnerable while I’m growing.

Poachers!

I got a call from an executive recruiter today. Last week I got a message from this guy rattling off his name and company with the line "just catching up with you," like I knew him. I looked him up online and found out it was a recruiter. Today I answered the phone by accident and he sounded very surprised to reach me. Immediately he launched into his "catching up" bit and said that I wasn't in the company directory and could I give him my direct line. "Well how did you get to me if I'm not listed?" I asked. He said he'd asked the operator to find me and this time asked me for my email. To which I replied, "I don't know who you are." Does this guy think I'm stupid?

Several times a week I get emails from recruiters but they're never offering me a job, they want me to send them names of people. This guy said he had some jobs available and was wondering if I'd give him some recommendations. "I don't have any," I said. It was kind of fun, I have to admit. He stammered a bit and said maybe he could send me an email and I'd think of some people. No, I said, "I don't feel like doing your job for you." Last time I sent a name over to a company, my friend got the job (but isn't happy there), the recruiter got their fee and what do I get? Nothing. It's not like they're offering me a referral fee, they just want to waste my time and make money off of me.

I continued to tell Mark, the recruiter, that I get emails every week from people wanting me to send them people and frankly, I don't have time. I added that most of the people I know work for themselves and aren't interested in a job, which got a little chuckle out of him. I continued, making a joke about I don't know why people think I've got all the connections. But then this was the weird part, he said "it must be because you're a famous actress." Uck, see, this is why I hate all these online profiles. Now I know that he found me on LinkedIn, probably just by doing a search of the big companies, and because he's read my profile, thinks he knows me. I'm going to put a note on my profile that says "Will make referrals for a $1,000 referral fee" and see how many call me then!

Impossible to disengage

If nothing else, I have learned some truly invaluable lessons working in the corporate environment. I hadn’t realized the extent to which the agency environment is utterly free. Even though you work for a client and you could lose the work and lose your job, while you’re working you know it’s a job. You know it’s a job because you’re working for a company that's working for someone at another company. It’s twice removed from you. The people judging you, your bosses, etc, are judging you through the lens of another company. They give you a lot of leeway – the client is a pain in the ass, the schedule sucks, the budget blows, and we can’t do the kind of creative we want so god bless you for sticking around.

In addition, one project really doesn’t affect another that much. Two teams can work on huge projects side by side and don’t have to know what the other is doing. Sure, they have to share resources and sometimes that gets a little annoying but it’s not like a change on my project changes everyone else’s project in the entire company.

But that’s exactly what it’s like working in a corporation. My group launched a microsite. Another group was running print ads to coincide with the launch, another is planning a viral seeding campaign, another a huge buy with You Tube and a partnership with My Space. Then there’s the whole internal team with their own marketing schedule, restrictions and requirements for banner ads, interstitials, emails. One thing changes, like the schedule, the URL, or the creative, and everything has to change. And those things are all connected to other things.

The onsite marketing is scheduled in among a dozen or more groups with their own needs and demands and changing parameters. The media buy is fixed and can’t change. The print ads are already on the press, can’t change them now. And that’s all before I even get to what my boss is telling his boss and so on and so forth. Just hope and pray that by the time the CEO sees it, it’s up, it’s running and it’s exactly what she heard it was going to be. In an organization like this, every little thing affects a dozen groups and potentially thirty or more other people. There are people I don’t even know, haven’t even met, emailing me saying they didn’t know I was doing x, y, and z and can they know more because something in their group depends on this information. How is that possible?

The biggest result of this kind of environment is that it’s impossible to disengage. At the agency level, I’m running the project and the client is somewhere else. In another building, another city, sometimes another state or country! If I feel like taking a 15-20 minute break to write a blog entry, I can. I know I’ve got a few moments, I know exactly what’s going on and I know the client won't barge in on me. Not so in the corporate environment. There’s no hiding from someone who wants or needs something from you, there’s no unplugging for 15-20 minutes and frankly, I don’t completely know what’s going on at any given moment.

I feel sometimes like I’m keeping a power plant from having a meltdown. Keeping small problems from getting bigger, creating solutions to potential problems and all the while trying to keep an eye on the future, well at least tomorrow. One of my friends at an agency we work with put in an interesting way. He said in the agency world, the enemy is the project itself. Getting it done in time, on budget, and with the best creative. Everyone in the company and the client is moving and working towards a common goal. In the corporate world, the enemy is right next to you. Whether you want it or not, you're all working towards the goal of being your boss. So four people are jockeying to fit into one slot - and that's only after the one that's already there has left. It is definitely a much more complicated organism, one that I feel is much more intelligent than I am. I'll keep you posted.

I'm a real phony

I got scolded by my boss yesterday and scolded last week by the agency I'm working with. I've felt like a jerk in this job ever since I started and am starting to have an eerie feeling that I'm going to get fired. I shouldn't even say it out loud, I just signed a year lease for an apartment with outrageous rent. Long story short, I still don't have internet access and have lots of scribbles but no time to really write.

But while I was perusing an old email account, I found an excerpt from "Breakfast at Tiffany's" that made me laugh and seemed just silly enough to post for no reason at all, except now that I read it I realize I've been feeling like a phoney. I can't remember who I was going to send it to, but I never did, and it has lingered in my drafts for years. If you don't know the scene, you'll just have to rent the movie to see and hear how hilarious Martin Balsam is as O.J. Berman, the most loveable jerk of a Hollywood agent you've ever met.


BERMAN
SO LISTEN, FRED, BABY, WHAT ARE--

PAUL
NO, IT'S PAUL, BABY.

BERMAN
IT IS? I THOUGHT IT WAS FRED, BABY. ANSWER THE QUESTION. IS SHE OR ISN'T SHE?

PAUL
WHAT?

BERMAN
A PHONY.

PAUL
I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T THINK SO.

BERMAN
YOU DON'T, HUH? WELL, YOU'RE WRONG. SHE IS. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU'RE RIGHT, BECAUSE SHE'S A REAL PHONY. SHE HONESTLY BELIEVES ALL THIS PHONY JUNK. NOW, I SINCERELY LIKE THE KID. I DO. I'M SENSITIVE, THAT'S WHY. YOU GOT TO BE SENSITIVE TO LIKE THE KID. IT'S A STREAK OF THE POET.

PAUL
YOU KNOWN HER LONG?

BERMAN
I DISCOVERED HER. I'M O.J. BERMAN. SHE WAS JUST A KID--LOT OF STYLE AND CLASS...

PAUL
LOT OF WHAT?

BERMAN
CLASS.

PAUL
BUT YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT--WHETHER SHE WAS A HILLBILLY OR AN OKIE. KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO SMOOTH THAT ACCENT? ONE YEAR. KNOW HOW? WE GAVE HER FRENCH LESSONS. FIGURED ONCE SHE COULD IMITATE FRENCH, SHE COULD IMITATE ENGLISH.

FINALLY, I ARRANGED FOR A LITTLE SCREEN TEST. THE NIGHT BEFORE, THE PHONE RINGS. I SAID, "O.J. SPEAKING." SHE SAYS, "THIS IS HOLLY." I SAYS, "YOU SOUND SO FAR AWAY." SHE SAYS, "I'M IN NEW YORK." I SAID, "GET YOURSELF BACK HERE." SHE SAYS, "I DON'T WANT TO." "WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHAT DO YOU WANT?" SHE SAYS, "WHEN I FIND OUT, I'LL LET YOU KNOW."

SO, LOOK, FRED, BABY--

PAUL
IT'S PAUL, BABY.

BERMAN
SURE. DON'T TELL ME SHE ISN'T A PHONY.

Three whirlwind weeks

I drove up to the Bay Area on August 20 to start the new job the next day. It's only been a little over three weeks and already I've flown back to LA for work twice. It's disorienting to go to San Francisco on the weekend (to apartment hunt), San Mateo in the evenings, San Jose for work and Los Angeles for meetings and not live in any of those places. But by next weekend, my life will start to make a little more sense. Today, even though I'm totally ill and woke up with a cold my co-workers gave me (thank you!), I'm driving to LA to meet the ex-con movers at my place on Friday. They'll deliver my things on Wednesday and by next weekend, I'll be unpacked and living in San Francisco! I'm hoping then I will then be able to blog more regularly.

Starting to look like a romantic comedy

Only a few days in Northern California but there are a few marked differences already. Since I spend so much time on the road, it's where I've noticed the most. My first day here I had a moment of realizing that I could SEE in front of me and for several miles. Why? Because there is a conspicuous absence of giant vehicles. The trucks that I've seen are work trucks and there is a plethora of old Toyota trucks that are 10-20 years old, used faithfully and taken care of. (My mom's husband has one parked in their driveway that she's been harping on him to get rid of.) Mini-coopers and Priuses are very popular and in general, people here drive smaller, more fuel efficient cars.

The second difference is that they actually DRIVE. I was cruising in the fast lane at 80 miles per hour this morning, along with everyone else. The people in the next lane were going 75, the next lane 70 and the slow lane 65, the speed limit. In Los Angeles, people sit in the fast lane, going exactly the same speed as every other lane causing others to insanely swerve in and out of all the lanes trying to get places. Here, the ego has been removed from the driving equation.

There was an accident today and while traffic slowed, it was momentary, we drove right past at 35-40mph. L.A. people come to a slow crawl and gape long after they've physically passed the crash site as if expecting to see Brad Pitt giving Angelina Jolie mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. The entire Bay Area smells like the forest, it's filled with pine trees and my drive (soon to be bus ride) down the 280 is a jaunt through rolling hills shrouded in fog and punctuated by a long lake and groves of redwoods.

My co-workers are awesome and today when I was stressed out, one came to my desk with a stuffed animal on her head, the other with a large Darth Vader figure in hand singing a "don't stress" song. They live in Noe Valley and take a company bus to work that goes straight from SF to our "campus." It takes an hour and there's wi-fi on the bus in case you want to work. When I mentioned that I was going to look in San Jose (for a place to live) my co-workers became very concerned and wondered if they'd have to do an intervention. Hundreds of people do the hour commute from the city to the 'burbs for work.

When I first walked into our office, I thought it looked like the companies they use in romantic comedies (where the hip girlfriends help our heroine negotiate the dating terrain). Their little cheerleading only supported that theory that, in fact, I'm working in a romantic comedy! Our totally gorgeous gay boss, that I have a crush on, took us for coffee this afternoon to chat a little about work but mostly just for fun. There's a free gym on campus, an ATM, dry cleaners and a cafe that makes every kind of food you could want for cheap. I love this job and tomorrow I'm going to Noe Valley apartment hunting. Wish me luck!

Learning Shuttle protocols

Day two of the new job and I'm so exhausted I have to drink coffee in the afternoon just to make it through the day. The job is energizing but as soon as the caffeine and adrenaline fade, I crash into an evening of babbling idiocy. My body is crying for exercise, my brain for sleep and my stomach for good home cooked food. This is temporary, this craziness, but it still takes it toll. The job has been a little chaotic in that there's a lot going on and my boss is going on vacation tomorrow but overall, they are impressed at how quickly I've been able to plug in and start working. As my boss' boss said, "get used to drinking out of a fire hose, that's how it goes around here." I told my good friend Steve that I think a lot of the job is just being able to figure things out and he reassured me that I could probably figure out how to fly the space shuttle if I had to.

He wrote me this email that provided a welcome relief to the crazy day:
Cut to the year 2012, Angelique has been selected to fly on the shuttle to the international space station representing eBay's foray into the save-the-world foundation with Al Gore and Bono. A serious encounter with space debris renders the shuttle inoperable as an explosion has incapacitated the astronauts, who are now dead or unconscious. With Al Gore's portly girth wedged between two science experiments and Bono hiding in a space locker, Angelique unbuckles herself and assesses the situation. NASA engineers hear only the phrase, "for fuck's sake", and know everything is going to be alright. After Googling shuttle protocols from the Internet, she re-enters the earth's atmosphere and lands the shuttle at Edwards Air Force base to throngs of fans. "Maybe now I can get that freakin' movie deal" she is heard saying to herself. Indeed!

Mrs. Anything Can Happen

I am such a bundle of emotions these days, it's hard to even pinpoint what I'm feeling. Friday was my last day at the old job, after two days in meetings for the new job. Everyone was very sad to hear that I was leaving and I felt like someone who'd won the lottery and wasn't going to share with anyone. The absolute joy I'd felt for the past two days really hadn't changed my view of this current job. It's a fine job, it's just not one that I want. But it's become very clear that I was the best project manager they've had on the job yet and in a short three weeks, I'd already made an impact.

The account manager hired on contract for this job was out of town to a wedding and even thought it was impossible to get anything done, I felt obligated to accomplish something for her to come back to. We bonded and had become instant friends when we realized that we shared a philosophy on how to get work done. It's called creative project management. While most companies expect project managers to create and follow process, spending all day drafting status reports and updating project plans, the best ones are those who can creatively problem solve. Projects don't just hum along a set plan, there are always problems and difficulties and solving them, for me, is the best part of the job. Cracking the human code to discover how to make everyone happy is the only satisfying part of project management.

One moment, my head is swimming with the amazing ideas I get to work on and execute in the coming months in the new job, the next I'm overwhelmed with sadness over what I'm leaving. Good friends, a beautiful apartment by the beach, the pursuit of acting (for sure now) and the ability (that I was only just coming in to) to shoot a movie at a moment's notice. The irony, of course, is that this new job has just skyrocketed me to the top in terms of opportunity and connections. My chances of actually directing a feature film have just increased by a thousand. The catch is that I really have to do the work now, of writing and making films to prove that I have something to say. I think I've been lazy about it the past because I could see that no matter what a talented person creates in this town, if they don't have the right connections, success can and will probably still elude them.

This job is like marrying a dishy guy with money, connections and a name that opens doors who says "honey, do whatever you want, I support you completely." I just married opportunity so I better get busy doing what I want!

Stars in my future

I know that horoscopes are silly but I enjoy them anyway. I tell myself that I have a scientific interest in that I like to measure the likelihood of them being correct. Usually I read the month's full horoscope near the beginning of the month, so it would stand to reason that it doesn't resonate as the month hasn't happened yet. Invariably, when I forget get to it mid-month, I'm often astounded at the relevancy looking back.

Today, realizing that I hadn't yet read my predictions for August and given all the change that's going on, was incredibly curious to see if this was the case. It's so amazing, I have to share it with you.

It starts out saying that I’m getting a promotion, possibly at a new company. Take my time to review the offers, it advises, it will work for me. (Now they tell me!)For the past two years it says I’ve worked hard and been “on display,” needing to prove myself. “Think back to July and August 2005. At that time, Saturn had just entered your prestigious career sector and began to groom you for much bigger things.” August 2005 is when I started working in marketing again, after five years of pursing acting. I was an unemployed waitress/actor and was having a hell of a time convincing people that I was anything but. Life, it says, is about to get much better. I’ve paid my dues and I’m about to earn a lot more money.

It continues: An excellent day to open talks is August 2. (The day of my first interview) By August 6, you should have the answer you want, or if not then, shortly thereafter. (I got the job on August 8!) One day that will likely be a tough one will be August 21, in fact, it may turn out to be the hardest day of the year for a work-related episode. (This is the day I start the new job.) Mars will move into your eighth house, suggesting you are about to spend quite a bit of money and your high-spending period will last until the end of September. (Yes, yikes!)

I got a little worried when I read that "the last part of the month will be a turbulent time for everyone. A particularly difficult full moon lunar eclipse in Pisces is due, and will force a decision about a romantic relationship, particularly if you are not yet formally attached." I don't even want to think about what would happen if the guy I told I would marry and follow around the world decided to take me up on that right now. Let's hope this horoscope stuff is a bunch of crap!

Honoring my accomplishments

I’m backdating again. I just wrote and published three entries as if I hadn’t suddenly fallen off the edge of the blogging planet.

I’m starting to wonder if I’ll be able to keep up the blogging now that I have a job that actually requires me to work all day. I started the blog when I had a job without very much work (which naturally led to me being laid off) and then nearly three months of unemployment. There were days when just writing a blog entry was accomplishment I was proud of.

I already miss those days! If I could do whatever I wanted, I’d live in a villa on the Amalfi coast and write. I guess it gives me something to work towards, eh? So, I apologize for getting behind, and I’m going to do whatever it takes to keep blogging. I especially love comments, even the ones that tell me I’m being a judgmental twat.

I started the new job a week ago and it was in chaos the minute I walked in the door. A month behind schedule, and no clear leadership, I was being “trained” by a woman who considered project management to be running reports and setting meetings. She taught me how to upload documents to the extranet and fill out my timesheet like I was starting an after-school job. She’s off to get her MBA at a fancy school and in seven days didn’t think it necessary to explain anything about the actual project.

After a week of inserting myself into meetings and discussions, I took charge. So just as I gained control of this thing, I got my exit schedule negotiated with the two companies (basically I’m working every single day and somehow moving with no time off to accommodate the old and new bosses' vacation schedules). What’s wrong with this picture? I hate that the individual is made to feel so bad for quitting, as if it’s personal, but when we get laid off it’s just business.

Today I had a kick-ass day managing this project myself and people have taken to me being in charge and are reporting to me in a way that I never saw them do with the woman I’m replacing. And I’ve learned quite a bit, like about how data is ingested and what a data model is. My predecessor just wasn’t interested. She’s not a hands-on manager like me. This project will be on a smooth track to production when I leave and I’m pretty proud of that.

One fell swoop

Last week was extremely difficult. It’s hard enough starting a new job, learning a new commute and schedule, but I was also interviewing for another job and feeling like a liar and a traitor. They had a welcome party for me Monday night and the people at this job are so nice. Smart and cool people that I would love to know. And yet, I knew when I took this that it wasn’t going to be something that would make me happy. Did I announce it on the blog? No. That’s pretty telling.

So my interviews were at a building in Century City where I had to valet. I had used my wrecked car as an excuse for my late arrivals at work but in reality, I pushed the car appointment to make the interview. When I pulled up for the valet, he saw the crunched car and I explained that I had to crawl out the passenger side. Okay, he said to which I added, “which means you have to crawl IN that side too.” He got a kick out of that and chose a valet driver to perform the taskIt was even funnier the next day when I showed up for the second interview. The guy saw me coming and just shook his head “no, no, no.”

The new job opportunity came from a recruiter who was referred by my boss at the company that laid me off. Things come full circle, eventually. It was so stressful to invest and being invested in a job without knowing if I was leaving. Although the new company said they would make a decision quickly, it wasn’t as quick as they said. After two in-person interviews, a phone interview on Monday and some questions by email on Tuesday, I finally got the job yesterday! I am so excited.

In one fell swoop I’m getting four things I have been asking the universe for:

1) A reason to move to the Bay Area
2) A senior level position
3) A job that combines my marketing, online and film industry experience and interest
4) Experience with a global company that opens up opportunities worldwide

In less than two weeks, I start working as a Senior Brand Manager for a major internet company in San Jose. That's right, I'm moving to the Bay Area!

Ask and you shall receive (but maybe not when you expect)

I must have been asking the universe for too many different things at the same time because in the last year jobs, opportunities and men have come and gone but none seemed like the perfect fit. They all were close to but not quite what I wanted. And yet now I realize, they all had their purpose.

Last year, I first considered giving up acting for a guy, then for a job and eventually happily quit acting. Then a friend got me another job that would bring my resume up to date, and with a real salary, I was able to pay off all of my debt in three months. In January, things got serious with a guy who lived in San Francisco and he asked if I would consider moving. I started questioning what my purpose was in Los Angeles, now that I wasn't acting, and remembered that I had always loved the Bay Area. Despite having just landed in Santa Monica and having my own apartment for the first time in six years, I was feeling done with Los Angeles. I decided I would take the leap but the relationship ultimately didn’t work out. Two months after taking another job, I was laid off.

That's when the major soul searching began. What kind of job did I want? Where did I want to live? Would I ever have the relationship I wanted in Los Angeles? I committed to a couple of film projects, told a man that I loved him and then, I took a job I didn't really want. Two days later, I got a call for a job that would change my life. A recruiter I had worked with before called to say she had my dream job. It sounded like exactly what I had been looking for, a senior level job that would require my marketing and film experience.

I shuffled time, missed sleep and stretched the truth to find several hours two days in a row to interview. I had to explore this opportunity, but I also wanted to be realistic. I had a job, a good job, and I needed to take ownership of it, despite this dangling carrot.

Another day in the trenches

My basic job hunting/finding problem is that I have done many different jobs and have excelled at all of them. It baffles most minds that a person could literally jump into a job they have never done and do it well, more than a few times. What I didn't realize is that those opportunities, while seemingly common in my world, are not common. What most hiring managers want is someone whose resume looks exactly like their job description. Someone who has done only the job their hiring for and is only interested in that job.

A while back, a recruiter contacted me about an email marketing job. They sent me a list of questions to answer before the interview and I did. To some of them I had to reply "I have no experience with this." I explained to the woman that this job was very technical and not something that i had experience in, or was particularly interested in. I can do it, I said, but I'd much rather be working on a broader marketing level. She wrote back, thank you, she'll keep looking. A couple of days later, she wrote again saying the company wanted to meet me anyway.

In my past interviews I felt like a round peg trying to be stuffed into a square hole of a job, trying to explain why I don't fit, so I decided to take a different tactic this time. Instead of defending my non-linear career path, instead of answering questions about my background and what I did or didn't do where, I would simply just start coming up with ideas and strategies for their company, sharing my marketing philosophy and generating questions for the interviewers. Don't tell them what you can do, show them.

Of course this is easier when interviewing with a company that has a product (rather than an agency in which I'd work for many clients that remain to be disclosed). Such as it was last week when I interviewed for an online photo fulfillment company. I had already interviewed once on the phone and it went well. I met with that same guy and two VPs. They rapid fired questions at me and I came right back with business strategies, product ideas and marketing questions. And, to my surprise, they were very pleased and impressed.

One of the VPs remarked, "You have a GREAT interviewing style, by the way." I thought for a moment that she was making a sarcastic remark to cut me down, but I don't think she was. "Most people," she said, "tell you everything they think you want to hear, but when they leave, you're not sure if it's true. You, on the other hand," she continued, "are totally honest, I feel like I know exactly who you are and what you can do." I've never heard it put that way, but she was right. When that quality is appreciated, it is usually by the owner of the company. That person wants smart, quick, no bullshit people in leadership positions, but when interviewing with upper management, those qualities are usually regarded as anathema.

Hiring managers are thinking one of three things: A) She'll take my job, B) She'll make me look bad or C) She'll make me have to work harder. These people like the status quo because it's easy. Change should come at a slow incremental pace. By comparison, I look like the leader of a revolution. I spent nearly four hours in this interview. They ran marketing problems, product problems, business problems by me. "How would you fix this?" "How would you tackle this?" "What would you do in this situation?" It was fun.

A few days later, the recruiter called me to say that they wanted to hire me as a consultant. I thought it was a dream come true. "They were very impressed with you," the recruiter said, "and think you're a very strong overall marketer." Fantastic! Exactly what I should be doing, crafting marketing strategy and handing over my recommendations for execution by someone else.No political crap, just doing the work. We discussed a rate and he called them to negotiate. Now, here's where the whole thing falls apart.

It's wonderful that I've been recognized for who I am. And I'm so flattered that this company wants to find a way to fit me in, but at the end of the day, all they need filled is a square hole, and I'm still a round peg. See, the recruiters double my rate to get their fee so by the time it's presented to the employer, it sounds outrageous. They needed an email marketer. Now they're thinking about paying a lot more money to hire a person who isn't a permanent employee to do a position that doesn't exist. And the job they're hiring for is still empty. Try justifying that to the boss.

They've now started checking my references so I'm thinking they're going to offer me the original email marketing position. And I'll have to decide if I want an hour commute to take a job that doesn't fit.

I get by with a little help from my friends

Wednesday, I agreed to drive a good friend of mine to the airport. We were supposed to meet for lunch but he was running late, after doing last minute errands, and we skipped it. Both hungry, we were a little crabby and the traffic didn't help. I had spent the morning crying after getting rejections from jobs I had applied to, jobs that I was completely qualified for. I was telling my friend how frustrated I was and said "I'm seriously concerned about my ability to support myself in the future."

He scoffed at me. "Why didn't you apply for the job at my company, the VP asked me today what happened to my candidate?" I was busy telling him why I wasn't qualified for that job, writing, producing and editing commercials for a cable network. "Shut up," he said, "just apply."

So I did. The next day I had an interview. I don't have the job YET but this guy was predisposed to like me, because of my friend. It was easy to feel relaxed and confident because even though I don't have the experience he was looking for, he was looking for a way to make it work. It's easier to teach people to edit, he said, than it is to get good ideas and he could "see the creative vibe coming off of me." He could see me! He recognized my talents!

There's a scene from Ratatouille (be prepared, I might be talking about this movie for a long time!) where the gourmet rat tries to explain his appreciation for food, his gift to recognize taste, to his brother. "Try this," he says, handing him a piece of cheese, "now try this," a strawberry, "NOW, try them together." The brother rat does and after a long build up comes back with "yeah, I just don't get it" then goes back to eating garbage. See, there are things you can't teach people. I keep getting feedback that I don't have enough experience and I think, screw experience, I have intuition, I have ideas, I have my finger on the pulse! Why don't they recognize my talents?

If I get this job, I'll be making the same money I was, working two miles from my house in the same building as one of my closest friends, learning a new skill (editing) and getting the opportunity to direct professionally! It's a possibility that I had not foreseen and could not have imagined. When everyone was saying that there was a reason I wasn't getting any of these jobs, that the perfect job was coming, I thought they were just being nice. Turns out, they were right!

Job-hunting is more difficult than work!

The work day is done and I only applied to one job! I have five more I was supposed to do today. These books say you have to customize each letter and resume to exactly the job description and the company. It's extremely time-consuming! Now I have go walk before it gets dark.

Here was my workday:
9am - Woke up (stayed up too late last night writing out an idea), did some research online about the non-profit idea that I have. Replied to some emails.
10am - Made breakfast, showered, dressed.
11am - Took notes about which jobs to apply to today.
Noon - Paid some bills. Went to get gas, check my mail (I finally got my unemployment check!) and buy water at the store.
1pm - Ordered Microsoft Word because the open source program just isn't cutting it for all these customized resumes (sorry Ben!) Also ordered The West Wing Season 5 (it was 50% off) and made a photo album online for my dad (for Father's Day.)
2pm - Made lunch and took a break.
2:30pm - Brainstormed ideas for the jobs' resumes and cover letters. Got depressed and drank a root beer for a little sugar high.
4pm - Sat down to work on applying for jobs.
6:40pm - Finally finished the resume and cover letter for ONE job and applied! I sure hope this gets easier.

Too much potential

I'm sorry about the weak posts lately. I've got so many good ideas floating around, ten written on a notepad to write about, but I've really been thrown by this layoff. I'm having a hard time motivating myself to get another similar job even though I am running out of money and know I can't go on like this. I'm at a crossroads and now I have to quickly figure out my next move.

I've been out of work a full THREE WEEKS now. I interviewed for one job, met with a recruiter and have been contacted about some freelance work but nothing has materialized so far. I applied for some interesting jobs but they're long shots - moving into new territory. Everything points to the fact that it's time I start my own business.

An old boss of mine said once that I had too much potential. He was comparing me to himself; he said he envied people who could only do one thing. He used to work with Jim Carrey and he said that guy would have starved if he didn't make it. The only thing he could do was be funny. There was no plan B, no other interests, no diversions from the goal. People like that, he said, succeed because they have no choice. People like us, however, who are capable of so much, can get lost in possibility.

It's true that I am good at a lot of things. And I have recently come to realize that I don't have to do everything I am good at. I need to find out what I love to do, what makes me happy and then UTILIZE what I'm good at to do it. The recruiter I met this week said "at some point, people like you have to make their own job." If I don't, I will keep allowing other people to define what I should do.

So I'm going to try it. I'm working on a business plan this weekend for a marketing company with a friend of mine in a similar place. By putting it on this blog, I make it a reality. Wish me luck.

Why do we have to work?

I've interviewed for a couple of good positions but I've already given notice. YAY! I'm free! I got an offer from one company who really want me, they want me to start right away and they're offering me good money. However, there's another company that's doing something I'm really excited about but they haven't made me an offer yet, and they're putting me through the ringer. Apparently, even though it pays thirty THOUSAND less than the other position, a lot of people really want this job.

So even though I'm free, now comes the stress.

Here's what I'm dealing with.
1) I don't want to work at all. WHY DO WE HAVE TO WORK?
2) I'm leaving an easy job that pays well because I can't settle into the mediocrity like everyone else.
3) I'm terrified to take the job that really wants me because there's so much responsibility.
4) I think I really want this other job but I wonder if I'm an idiot for wanting it.
5) I had to put off the good offer even though they wanted an answer right away and I had to lie to do it. And I feel awful about that.

People's perception of the job search isn't much different from their perception of relationships. Do I want the job I haven't been offered because it's harder to get and I haven't been offered it yet? When I tell people about the job, there are people who are just happy for me. Others encourage me to keep looking - there's so much out there. And some people think it's okay to keep one in the dark while you investigate your options but that makes me feel like a cheat. Isn't that weird? Everything is the same.