Last weekend was pretty rough for me. The loss of purpose in San Francisco suddenly hit me. I missed my friends in L.A., I missed my mom, I missed my apartment in Santa Monica, I missed walking on the beach there, my yoga class, and being able to go to a movie, or even make one at the drop of a hat. A beautifully sunny weekend, after weeks of rain and cold, seemed to make me even more homesick.
It’s true that I was ready for a change or I would not have taken the job up here but it did happen very suddenly. Back in August, I literally dropped everything and without saying goodbye, left L.A. and seemingly, filmmaking. This job was an amazing opportunity, something that would have opened a lot of doors for me and without getting to do it, it’s over.
So I find myself adrift in a strange place with only a friend or two and suddenly facing the consequences of moving. We were told today that my boss is leaving, with three days notice, and it’s likely our department head is as well. He told us that this was the most ambiguous time in our department in the six years he’s been here. Then he told us the story of the lobster who, in order to grow, has to shed his shell and make a new one. But while it’s growing, the lobster is very vulnerable and has to find a place to hide so as not to be eaten. He suggested that now was such a time and for us to take care.
It’s possible that the doors that are meant to open for me here have already presented themselves and it took me leaving L.A. to appreciate what I had there to figure out what I want. I’m just feeling a little vulnerable while I’m growing.
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