One of the things that has always made me a really good project manager is my ability to make decisions. I can assess a situation and instantly make a call, settle a dispute or change course to accommodate bumps in the road. Other people fret and worry over minute details for weeks, flap their arms wondering what to do when something goes wrong, or just spend hours complaining about how everything is screwed up. I just say "this is what we're going to do" and it's done and everyone is happy. Yet in my own life, I find that kind of decision making to be painfully difficult. I agonize over every detail and feeling and possible outcome, I worry about potential missed opportunities and future problems and about whether making these changes makes me a quitter, a flake or just a crazy person.
So here I am, less than a week away from the day that I have to give notice to leave this apartment and I've just been scheduled for another round of interviews at one of the places I last interviewed at. I'm still being considered for the other one as well, it's just that these companies take forever to actually hire a person. Seriously, like months. It's not that I really want this job but it's thrown me for a bit of a loop. I thought I had correctly deduced that they were not that interested in me and my big ideas but maybe I was wrong. I ask myself, what does it mean that I've still got these people after me when I've decided to do my own thing?
Maybe it's a test. If I was leaving San Francisco because I was broke and couldn't find a job, then surely getting one of these would mean that I could stay. If I was going to live at home because I was hurt and disillusioned then surely still being in the running for a job that seems to embrace my thinking would make me feel compelled to stay and take the job. If, however, my conviction to start my own company is strong, and I know that it's what I want to do, then no job is going to change my mind. Maybe it's just a reminder that there will always be jobs for me. They may take longer to get sometimes and it may not be easy to find one that interests me but they are out there. If I don't succeed in this new venture, surely I won't be any less qualified than I am now. That was what I told myself when I quit my career to go act. "If at the end of it, I need a job, I can always get one." And I was right.
The truth is, I have never been more excited about a JOB than I was about the job I moved up here for and yet it never came close to fulfilling the promise that it held. It became obvious that it would never yield the results I had imagined. What are the chances that one of these jobs will? And what about what I really want to do? How long will I make myself wait to finally be brave enough to try a second time? It is very scary to try something new, it took me two years to do it the first time and, actually, about two years the second time. Certainly, it's easier to make a change when one is miserable or down and out and the glimmer of a shiny new job is just the kind of lure that could divert attention from the bigger catch.
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Friday, July 25, 2008
Monday, March 31, 2008
Landing on my feet
My ex-boss was at my house the other day to tape his segment of the goodbye video I was making. He’s also leaving the company. He watched the video and said that it was bittersweet; clearly everyone believes the best days of that company are behind them. He said that I wouldn’t really understand, as someone who’s never questioned their path. Say what? “Well,” he said, “in my interactions with you, you seem like someone who just goes where the universe takes you.”
I couldn’t believe it. Really? I assumed he meant because I dropped everything and moved to the Bay Area for a job. Then he continued, “I mean, I know you’re disappointed about this job but I really think it brought you to San Francisco for something better.” It remains to be seen but I sure hope he’s right. He asked me how the job hunt was going and I told him about this company I was interviewing with. Oooh, he said, they would look great on my resume. It struck me that maybe he was right. I’ve never taken a job or even considered a job based on how it would look on my resume. I’ve done things that I think would be fun or because it was something I wanted to learn.
Before I left Seattle for LA, I was offered a job as to start up an account department by a friend and ex-coworker. I turned it down, saying that I was going to be an actress and move to LA. My friend said he didn’t care how long he had me but I should come. When I thought about it, he was the best salesperson I knew and I ended up taking the job so I could learn from him. I stayed for two years and then went to LA. Ten years later, I’m still trying to live that experience down, in a way, because people want to keep me in that box. My resume defies definition, which isn’t usually a good thing. One company I interviewed with, the last time I was unemployed, told my recruiter “I didn’t know what I did.” In reality, they didn’t know what they wanted and were hoping my resume would tell them.
I asked my friend and co-worker about my boss’ comment. She concurred that I do seem like someone who goes with the flow and doesn’t get stressed out about things. Isn’t that amazing? I certainly don’t feel like that. She said, “it’s not a bad thing, like you’re just a flake or lazy, you just seem very confident that you’ll land on your feet.” Now that’s a phrase I’ve heard a lot. But what kind of person needs to always be landing? I know many people who never seem to fall but I’m falling all the time so thank god “she lands on her feet,” eh? I guess I have always been terrified of life always being the same, and maybe that stability is something for me to always strive for while keeping things interesting in my own unique way.
I couldn’t believe it. Really? I assumed he meant because I dropped everything and moved to the Bay Area for a job. Then he continued, “I mean, I know you’re disappointed about this job but I really think it brought you to San Francisco for something better.” It remains to be seen but I sure hope he’s right. He asked me how the job hunt was going and I told him about this company I was interviewing with. Oooh, he said, they would look great on my resume. It struck me that maybe he was right. I’ve never taken a job or even considered a job based on how it would look on my resume. I’ve done things that I think would be fun or because it was something I wanted to learn.
Before I left Seattle for LA, I was offered a job as to start up an account department by a friend and ex-coworker. I turned it down, saying that I was going to be an actress and move to LA. My friend said he didn’t care how long he had me but I should come. When I thought about it, he was the best salesperson I knew and I ended up taking the job so I could learn from him. I stayed for two years and then went to LA. Ten years later, I’m still trying to live that experience down, in a way, because people want to keep me in that box. My resume defies definition, which isn’t usually a good thing. One company I interviewed with, the last time I was unemployed, told my recruiter “I didn’t know what I did.” In reality, they didn’t know what they wanted and were hoping my resume would tell them.
I asked my friend and co-worker about my boss’ comment. She concurred that I do seem like someone who goes with the flow and doesn’t get stressed out about things. Isn’t that amazing? I certainly don’t feel like that. She said, “it’s not a bad thing, like you’re just a flake or lazy, you just seem very confident that you’ll land on your feet.” Now that’s a phrase I’ve heard a lot. But what kind of person needs to always be landing? I know many people who never seem to fall but I’m falling all the time so thank god “she lands on her feet,” eh? I guess I have always been terrified of life always being the same, and maybe that stability is something for me to always strive for while keeping things interesting in my own unique way.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Feeling a little vulnerable
Last weekend was pretty rough for me. The loss of purpose in San Francisco suddenly hit me. I missed my friends in L.A., I missed my mom, I missed my apartment in Santa Monica, I missed walking on the beach there, my yoga class, and being able to go to a movie, or even make one at the drop of a hat. A beautifully sunny weekend, after weeks of rain and cold, seemed to make me even more homesick.
It’s true that I was ready for a change or I would not have taken the job up here but it did happen very suddenly. Back in August, I literally dropped everything and without saying goodbye, left L.A. and seemingly, filmmaking. This job was an amazing opportunity, something that would have opened a lot of doors for me and without getting to do it, it’s over.
So I find myself adrift in a strange place with only a friend or two and suddenly facing the consequences of moving. We were told today that my boss is leaving, with three days notice, and it’s likely our department head is as well. He told us that this was the most ambiguous time in our department in the six years he’s been here. Then he told us the story of the lobster who, in order to grow, has to shed his shell and make a new one. But while it’s growing, the lobster is very vulnerable and has to find a place to hide so as not to be eaten. He suggested that now was such a time and for us to take care.
It’s possible that the doors that are meant to open for me here have already presented themselves and it took me leaving L.A. to appreciate what I had there to figure out what I want. I’m just feeling a little vulnerable while I’m growing.
It’s true that I was ready for a change or I would not have taken the job up here but it did happen very suddenly. Back in August, I literally dropped everything and without saying goodbye, left L.A. and seemingly, filmmaking. This job was an amazing opportunity, something that would have opened a lot of doors for me and without getting to do it, it’s over.
So I find myself adrift in a strange place with only a friend or two and suddenly facing the consequences of moving. We were told today that my boss is leaving, with three days notice, and it’s likely our department head is as well. He told us that this was the most ambiguous time in our department in the six years he’s been here. Then he told us the story of the lobster who, in order to grow, has to shed his shell and make a new one. But while it’s growing, the lobster is very vulnerable and has to find a place to hide so as not to be eaten. He suggested that now was such a time and for us to take care.
It’s possible that the doors that are meant to open for me here have already presented themselves and it took me leaving L.A. to appreciate what I had there to figure out what I want. I’m just feeling a little vulnerable while I’m growing.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Change as the safe option
At the risk of sounding old, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s easy to be young. A young person, company or government has lots of fresh and original ideas, something to rebel against and a clean slate on which to build. As we get older, choices have been made that can’t be undone and the consequences of those choices color every decision made since. Deciding to have a baby, building a website in .net or funding rebels in a war against Communism all become part of an elaborate house of cards in which one mistake could topple the whole thing. It’s no wonder then, that for all of our talk about change we are addicted to the status quo. Change cannot happen for established people, companies or government without taking it all apart. Even if long-term results make the most sense, the short term could be disastrous. It’s impossible to predict whether we can survive the change.
I’ve experienced this phenomenon a lot over the past couple of years, working for mature online companies (10+ years in a coon’s age on the Internet). As a marketer, I’m the most painfully aware of a product’s shortcomings since it’s my job to differentiate it in the market and win over (or retain) customers. So much marketing happens online that product and marketing are virtually indistinguishable. I’ve found that it’s easy to rally the troops for change because it’s easy to see how things can and should be different (once it’s pointed out) but if taken to senior management, these great ideas suffer a quick death. No. No way! Change costs money, jobs, disrupts nepotistic relationships, upsets the stock price and is just too damn hard. Only a company that is founded on change and remains committed to it, because innovation IS their product, can avoid the crippling effects of Cronyism.
Reading about the presidential race, I find it really interesting that Barack Obama is doing so well despite his lack of experience. In this arena, he is youth. But is the U.S. still a young country? Hilary’s close rivalry suggests that people understand that despite the allure of youth and change, they understand that in reality, we are deeply entrenched in our past and in things that cannot be undone and they aren't willing to be the guinea pigs. Eventually, however, all mature organizations discover that the long-term effect of the status quo is far worse than the consequences of short-term change. By many perspectives, this government has already been run into the ground and the time for change is here. But are we really ready or is it just talk?
I’ve experienced this phenomenon a lot over the past couple of years, working for mature online companies (10+ years in a coon’s age on the Internet). As a marketer, I’m the most painfully aware of a product’s shortcomings since it’s my job to differentiate it in the market and win over (or retain) customers. So much marketing happens online that product and marketing are virtually indistinguishable. I’ve found that it’s easy to rally the troops for change because it’s easy to see how things can and should be different (once it’s pointed out) but if taken to senior management, these great ideas suffer a quick death. No. No way! Change costs money, jobs, disrupts nepotistic relationships, upsets the stock price and is just too damn hard. Only a company that is founded on change and remains committed to it, because innovation IS their product, can avoid the crippling effects of Cronyism.
Reading about the presidential race, I find it really interesting that Barack Obama is doing so well despite his lack of experience. In this arena, he is youth. But is the U.S. still a young country? Hilary’s close rivalry suggests that people understand that despite the allure of youth and change, they understand that in reality, we are deeply entrenched in our past and in things that cannot be undone and they aren't willing to be the guinea pigs. Eventually, however, all mature organizations discover that the long-term effect of the status quo is far worse than the consequences of short-term change. By many perspectives, this government has already been run into the ground and the time for change is here. But are we really ready or is it just talk?
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
"Guilt-free affluence"
I was listening to one of my Pop!Tech lectures on the bus the other morning and this guy Alex Steffen was saying what I've been saying. That environmental change will require a change in perception and a change in our model of economy. The world is merely one possible perspective but our current awareness will change the way we look at things, the earth and each other. "Things" will no longer be something to own, but something to use.
None of us, he says, wants to contribute to the denigration of the earth but we do all want "guilt-free affluence." The moment in time that we're in, while a "gigantic challenge," is also an immense opportunity to make this change. All of our challenges are political. The technology to solve all of our problems exists, but will we use it? Will we be able to change the system to adopt our new needs and desires? Watch the lecture, it's fantastic!
None of us, he says, wants to contribute to the denigration of the earth but we do all want "guilt-free affluence." The moment in time that we're in, while a "gigantic challenge," is also an immense opportunity to make this change. All of our challenges are political. The technology to solve all of our problems exists, but will we use it? Will we be able to change the system to adopt our new needs and desires? Watch the lecture, it's fantastic!
Sunday, September 2, 2007
All you need is love
Another interesting report from NPR. In 1960, a scientist named Harry Harlow set out to prove on CBS that children need love from their parents. Using baby Rhesus monkeys, separated from their mothers, he studied their behavior in response to two types of surrogate mothers - one wire that delivers milk, and another soft cloth that does nothing. The babies preferred the soft embrace of the cloth mothers and huddled next to them for most of the day, returning to the wire mother only when they were hungry.
Prior to this experiment, it was widely believed by psychologists that kissing, hugging or otherwise showing affection to one's children was detrimental to their upbringing. Parents in the fifties were raising children to be good citizens, parents and employees. This attitude is reflected in the family shows of the 1950's like Leave It To Beaver and Father Knows Best, romanticized versions of the nuclear family where children are well-behaved and advised coolly by their always in-control parents.
Harlow's revelation of children's need (and therefore everyone's need) for love must have been what catapulted America into 1967's Summer of Love and into the epoch of the individual where a person's needs are as important, if not more important, than that of society. It reminded me, once again, how quickly our world changes. It's difficult to even imagine a world in which people doubted the importance of love, just as people once believed the world was flat. It renews my faith in our ability to change - to rapidly and sincerely strive to be better.
Prior to this experiment, it was widely believed by psychologists that kissing, hugging or otherwise showing affection to one's children was detrimental to their upbringing. Parents in the fifties were raising children to be good citizens, parents and employees. This attitude is reflected in the family shows of the 1950's like Leave It To Beaver and Father Knows Best, romanticized versions of the nuclear family where children are well-behaved and advised coolly by their always in-control parents.
Harlow's revelation of children's need (and therefore everyone's need) for love must have been what catapulted America into 1967's Summer of Love and into the epoch of the individual where a person's needs are as important, if not more important, than that of society. It reminded me, once again, how quickly our world changes. It's difficult to even imagine a world in which people doubted the importance of love, just as people once believed the world was flat. It renews my faith in our ability to change - to rapidly and sincerely strive to be better.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
I miss my India
I've been thinking a lot about India lately. Staying with my friend in San Mateo, I have eaten at an Indian restaurant here no fewer than five times in a week. It is possibly the best Indian food I've ever had and only a few blocks away. My friend and her daughter, new to it, refer to my favorite dish Saag Paneer as "the goosh." They can't get enough of it. Strangely, the first time I ate Indian food was in San Francisco, in college, visiting a friend in the city. The restaurant offered a tour of their kitchen and the Tandoori oven and I, of course, took them up on it. And strangely, while I've overplayed my music during the 40-minute commute, the only songs I don't tire of are those from the Bend it Like Beckham soundtrack.
This December will be the ten-year anniversary of my two-month trip to India. I was recently looking up a town that I visited and discovered that all the names of the towns and cities have been changed since I was there. They were starting it when I was there - Bombay was already Mumbai and Madras was already Chennai - but all the names of the little towns (I visited over twenty) have been changed. When I returned to the U.S. I remember someone asking me if I would go back. I think my answer then was that there were so many other places I wanted to go, I couldn't see myself going back to a place I'd already been. But despite the wear and tear on my body from eating the food, the minute the plane left the ground, tears streamed down my cheeks and I cried "I miss my India!"
Ten years later, I still don't miss an opportunity to talk about my travels and many memories are as fresh as the day they happened. There's something about the country, the culture, the people, that get in you. I left India but it never left me and when I read or hear things about it, it's like hearing about a place I used to live or a person I used to love. There has been a lot about India in the news lately. There was a slew of polls in Time magazine and one said that people in India were two-three times more optimistic about their future than Americans. The commentary was that people are happier in a society that's in the process of improving than in one where things are already good. The author surmised that it was a feeling if things are good, they can only get worse.
But progress always has its price and a while back I saw an article about the giant boulders in India - across the Deccan plateau - that are being blown up with dynamite to make way for new construction. Yes, they're that big. One of my favorite places there was a town called Hampi (it's not on the map anymore, they changed the name!), just a little ways from Bangalore - then called the Silicon Valley of India. I can't help but wonder now if there are more Indians in the tech industry in the U.S. than in India. I read that the software industry is so booming in India that engineers from the U.S. can go home to India and take their jobs with them. But I digress, the article was about a society formed to "save the boulders!" of Hyderabad. It even describes one guy who built his house around a boulder, something that should have a been the subject of a Dr. Suess story. I don't usually post professionally published photos but this was just too beautiful and I don't have any of my India photos scanned (they were taken pre-digital!)
I spent time in Hyderabad and I don't remember the giant boulders there, but I do remember them in Hampi. Out in the middle of a huge plain, along a river, hundreds of giant boulders are stacked and sitting in piles, miles away from the nearest mountains. The first question you ask is where did they come from? The second is why are they here? When you focus your eyes you notice the buildings that have been carved out of stone by a civilization thousands of years ago and realize that the "buildings" are the size of a thimble compared to an orange. The boulders are way bigger than they look initially.
Protest is now part of the familiar modern tale of development vs. nature, but nature is starting to be more valuable I think. I also heard on NPR that Indians are protesting the arrival of WalMart that is threatening to replace the "mom and pop shop" with jobs, robbing Indians of their independence and freedom sell what they want, and only benefitting a few. We're starting to realize, as the article says, that once certain things are destroyed, they can't be brought back. Which is why, ten years later, I find myself thinking about India and wanting to go back to that which someday will be no longer.
This December will be the ten-year anniversary of my two-month trip to India. I was recently looking up a town that I visited and discovered that all the names of the towns and cities have been changed since I was there. They were starting it when I was there - Bombay was already Mumbai and Madras was already Chennai - but all the names of the little towns (I visited over twenty) have been changed. When I returned to the U.S. I remember someone asking me if I would go back. I think my answer then was that there were so many other places I wanted to go, I couldn't see myself going back to a place I'd already been. But despite the wear and tear on my body from eating the food, the minute the plane left the ground, tears streamed down my cheeks and I cried "I miss my India!"
Ten years later, I still don't miss an opportunity to talk about my travels and many memories are as fresh as the day they happened. There's something about the country, the culture, the people, that get in you. I left India but it never left me and when I read or hear things about it, it's like hearing about a place I used to live or a person I used to love. There has been a lot about India in the news lately. There was a slew of polls in Time magazine and one said that people in India were two-three times more optimistic about their future than Americans. The commentary was that people are happier in a society that's in the process of improving than in one where things are already good. The author surmised that it was a feeling if things are good, they can only get worse.
But progress always has its price and a while back I saw an article about the giant boulders in India - across the Deccan plateau - that are being blown up with dynamite to make way for new construction. Yes, they're that big. One of my favorite places there was a town called Hampi (it's not on the map anymore, they changed the name!), just a little ways from Bangalore - then called the Silicon Valley of India. I can't help but wonder now if there are more Indians in the tech industry in the U.S. than in India. I read that the software industry is so booming in India that engineers from the U.S. can go home to India and take their jobs with them. But I digress, the article was about a society formed to "save the boulders!" of Hyderabad. It even describes one guy who built his house around a boulder, something that should have a been the subject of a Dr. Suess story. I don't usually post professionally published photos but this was just too beautiful and I don't have any of my India photos scanned (they were taken pre-digital!)
I spent time in Hyderabad and I don't remember the giant boulders there, but I do remember them in Hampi. Out in the middle of a huge plain, along a river, hundreds of giant boulders are stacked and sitting in piles, miles away from the nearest mountains. The first question you ask is where did they come from? The second is why are they here? When you focus your eyes you notice the buildings that have been carved out of stone by a civilization thousands of years ago and realize that the "buildings" are the size of a thimble compared to an orange. The boulders are way bigger than they look initially.
Protest is now part of the familiar modern tale of development vs. nature, but nature is starting to be more valuable I think. I also heard on NPR that Indians are protesting the arrival of WalMart that is threatening to replace the "mom and pop shop" with jobs, robbing Indians of their independence and freedom sell what they want, and only benefitting a few. We're starting to realize, as the article says, that once certain things are destroyed, they can't be brought back. Which is why, ten years later, I find myself thinking about India and wanting to go back to that which someday will be no longer.
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