I'm back (sort of)

Another month is about to pass with an abysmal number of entries. I know I shouldn't feel this guilty, it's just a blog, but it feels like giving up and maybe I've just given up on too many things lately. I see my friends on TV, they're creating TV shows and acting in big feature films and I wonder if I've made the right decision.

I started exercising again which always seems to be the first commitment. A person who can commit to exercise, it seems, can commit to anything. Maybe it's because our everything in our culture is created to allow us the luxury of not exercising. We are encouraged to use our brains, not our bodies for work. We drive, instead of walking or biking, to that job. At jobs like mine, a big beautiful cafeteria full of good - and healthy and cheap! - food is at my doorstep so again, I can return more quickly to sit at my desk. Once I get home, I've already spent the last ten hours training my body to sit, it takes a mentally strong person to say "now, I'm going to move only for the sake of moving."

I finally got an Internet connection this week (like getting a membership to the gym) thought that would instantly restore my blogging activity. Blogging, it seems, is like exercise - once out of shape, it's harder to do. But there are other barriers. I found myself one day feeling a little overexposed after someone I met found my blog. I've always thought of this project as my secret identity. A place where I can talk about things without worrying about people getting bored and without being judged. Once my identity is discovered, I don't feel safe anymore. I can't write about trouble at work if I think my co-workers are reading. I can't write about sex if someone I might want to date is reading.

So today, I Googled myself to see just how exposed I am and discovered the root of the anxiety. A number of sites that I have information on, or buy from, have chosen to use my name, my location, my interests and my purchases for marketing. It seems that someone might want to buy a book from Amazon because I bought it, or join a Meetup because I'm in it, or put their resume on LinkedIn so they can link to me. It's funny because my name has been on the Internet for a long time associated with acting jobs but that never felt invasive I guess because I was playing a character. But having my personal habits show up online as a piece of advertising feels like too much. And why can they do that without asking?

The privacy settings for these sites are buried and took a while to find. On LinkedIn, I couldn't hide some of the information, I had to hide all of it. I ended up deleting my Meetup profile because they didn't offer privacy settings at all, but Amazon, surprisingly, was the most difficult. A Google search revealed friends names, items on my wishlist, and items recently purchased! What if I was buying something to help with an embarrassing condition? (I'm NOT but what if I was?!) Privacy restored, for the time being, I feel a little more able to blog. I have lots of notes, things I've wanted to write but haven't yet, and I find it very comforting that Malcolm Gladwell hasn't updated his blog since January (of course he's probably writing a book, darn!)