I'm a real phony

I got scolded by my boss yesterday and scolded last week by the agency I'm working with. I've felt like a jerk in this job ever since I started and am starting to have an eerie feeling that I'm going to get fired. I shouldn't even say it out loud, I just signed a year lease for an apartment with outrageous rent. Long story short, I still don't have internet access and have lots of scribbles but no time to really write.

But while I was perusing an old email account, I found an excerpt from "Breakfast at Tiffany's" that made me laugh and seemed just silly enough to post for no reason at all, except now that I read it I realize I've been feeling like a phoney. I can't remember who I was going to send it to, but I never did, and it has lingered in my drafts for years. If you don't know the scene, you'll just have to rent the movie to see and hear how hilarious Martin Balsam is as O.J. Berman, the most loveable jerk of a Hollywood agent you've ever met.


BERMAN
SO LISTEN, FRED, BABY, WHAT ARE--

PAUL
NO, IT'S PAUL, BABY.

BERMAN
IT IS? I THOUGHT IT WAS FRED, BABY. ANSWER THE QUESTION. IS SHE OR ISN'T SHE?

PAUL
WHAT?

BERMAN
A PHONY.

PAUL
I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T THINK SO.

BERMAN
YOU DON'T, HUH? WELL, YOU'RE WRONG. SHE IS. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU'RE RIGHT, BECAUSE SHE'S A REAL PHONY. SHE HONESTLY BELIEVES ALL THIS PHONY JUNK. NOW, I SINCERELY LIKE THE KID. I DO. I'M SENSITIVE, THAT'S WHY. YOU GOT TO BE SENSITIVE TO LIKE THE KID. IT'S A STREAK OF THE POET.

PAUL
YOU KNOWN HER LONG?

BERMAN
I DISCOVERED HER. I'M O.J. BERMAN. SHE WAS JUST A KID--LOT OF STYLE AND CLASS...

PAUL
LOT OF WHAT?

BERMAN
CLASS.

PAUL
BUT YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT--WHETHER SHE WAS A HILLBILLY OR AN OKIE. KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO SMOOTH THAT ACCENT? ONE YEAR. KNOW HOW? WE GAVE HER FRENCH LESSONS. FIGURED ONCE SHE COULD IMITATE FRENCH, SHE COULD IMITATE ENGLISH.

FINALLY, I ARRANGED FOR A LITTLE SCREEN TEST. THE NIGHT BEFORE, THE PHONE RINGS. I SAID, "O.J. SPEAKING." SHE SAYS, "THIS IS HOLLY." I SAYS, "YOU SOUND SO FAR AWAY." SHE SAYS, "I'M IN NEW YORK." I SAID, "GET YOURSELF BACK HERE." SHE SAYS, "I DON'T WANT TO." "WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHAT DO YOU WANT?" SHE SAYS, "WHEN I FIND OUT, I'LL LET YOU KNOW."

SO, LOOK, FRED, BABY--

PAUL
IT'S PAUL, BABY.

BERMAN
SURE. DON'T TELL ME SHE ISN'T A PHONY.