I've been asked by so many people since I've moved here why I gave up acting. They ask the question as if talking about something I loved to do and got to do all the time but just grew tired of, like drawing. In Los Angeles, no one asks you why you're giving up acting, and I doubt any really believes you until you move away. See, it's not ACTING that anyone gives up, it's the PURSUIT of acting, which is really a completely different animal.
The pursuit of acting is like gambling. It requires a huge investment, over a long period of time with very poor odds that it will ever pay out. The more money and support an actor has from their family (and you'd be surprised to learn how many are being supported by husbands, wives and parents) the better their chances. They can make more bets, bigger bets and can afford to stay in the game longer. But that doesn't take into account the enormous emotional toll being in the game takes.
Some don't have the courage to play at all and just sit on the sidelines waiting for someone to discover them, or for the right moment. Those who do throw in their chips, eventually win but the wins are usually small and only justify the playing. If you gamble $50 in an hour but win $5 back, you keep playing because you've proven that you CAN win. I remember thinking it was funny when I first met someone in L.A. who described herself as a recovering actress. I had no idea what she meant.
People who haven't lived it find it to be funny and I guess it is in an ironic sort of way. At its best, it's exhilarating. An entire town of people with stars in their eyes, singing, dancing and acting their hearts out day after day, hoping to hit the jackpot. At it's worst, it's a town of junkies so desperate for a fix that they'll do anything to get it. So surrounded by their own kind that they don't notice their condition. The masses of those who accomplish nothing are so thick that a couple of lines on a little watched TV show for a few hundred bucks are enough to garner great accolades and envy from one's friends.
I "quit acting" because I couldn't afford to play any more. It just wasn't fun. Those little victories, a few bucks after a year of gambling for two lines on a TV show, were depressing instead of thrilling. And the promise of bigger fortune seemed more and more like the bright lights, air conditioning and lack of windows at the casinos in Vegas that keep you gambling all night because you lose track of time. How much time was I willing to lose for this jackpot?
So around the same time that I was fielding this question from well-meaning new friends, I read an article in National Geographic. I love that magazine for publishing an article around Christmas about what a disaster Bethlehem is and about how few Christians are left in the birthplace of Jesus. One family that's leaving has been there since before the birth of Christ and can trace their ancestors to the Bible! The ones that have stayed describe themselves as punching bags in between Israel and Palestine.
The Israelis talk about their children tucking their legs under them on the bus to keep from being blown off like a school friend of theirs, or finding their teenagers bludgeoned to death in a cave. The Palestinians complain of a twenty foot wall that divides their city, and of two-three hours lines they must wait in to be allowed to get to the other side and tend their own land. Encroachment, violence, bankruptcy, and more violence and yet when asked why they don't leave, they say "because I love it," or "because this is where I belong."
It's amazing to me that "place" can have such a draw. I couldn't help but make the comparison to Hollywood. I know it's not the same, I know actors aren't getting their legs blown off in Hollywood and yet, despite so many perils, so many obvious reasons to leave, to go somewhere else, to do something else, they don't. Thousands of people from all over the world move to Hollywood every day to pursue their dream and while some of them eventually leave, many never leave. They just can't. No matter what humiliation or poverty they suffer, no matter how they are taken advantage of, they still love it. Even celebrities, the lottery winners, who can afford to leave - Gene Hackman lives a secluded life in New Mexico, Clint Eastwood runs a ranch in Carmel - still, overwhelmingly stay in L.A. They're as much a part of the game as anyone. They just high-rollers now - the stakes are higher and they're treated a hell of a lot better while they're winning.
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