An artist in corporate clothing

Last week I interviewed for job I'm still being considered for here in the Bay Area. It's another one of these marketing meets filmmaking type positions, that in reality is all project management with enough marketing for me to convince myself it's a creative job and enough connection to filmmaking to convince myself that it's related to what I'm really interested in. They told me that two people would be selected from this round to meet the SVP of Marketing and then the decision would be made. I got an email right away that I was one of those two.

This is the job that I gave the presentation for and had a sick feeling afterwards. I thought they were they were not enthused with my ideas, I thought they were grilling me because they didn't think I was qualified. Neither was true. I'm realizing now that everything that happens, is happening inside me. What I see on the outside is only a reflection of what's happening in my mind. It may or may not even be happening!

It occurred to me that I still didn't know why I was even continuing to interview for it. I wondered if it was because I don't like to leave things undone and I didn't want to walk away from an opportunity without understanding fully what the opportunity was. Maybe I thought if they made me a good offer, I'd stay for a little while and do my thing later. "Do my thing later?" Then I realized I didn't even know what the salary range was for this position. When the HR assistant emailed me to set up the next interview, I asked. The salary range was far below what I was expecting and what I would have asked for. Interesting.

Now, all of a sudden, it seems easier to walk away from this position. It becomes the final vote to do my own thing. But it wasn't! Somehow this threw me into an even crazier loop because it made me start to understand that it really doesn't matter whether I have a job or how much the job pays. I reviewed the benefits for the company: Three weeks vacation, over a week of holidays and the time between Christmas and New Year off, free gym and classes, free lunch twice a week, flexible work weeks, free counseling, first time home buying assistance, a $5,000 rebate if you buy a hybrid, paid jury duty and volunteer hours, discounts, free tickets, on and on and on. This is why people want to work there. This is why they can hire people who are over qualified and pay them less than they're used to getting. It's not a stepping stone to something else, this is a lifestyle.

After a talk with the HR gal, she said she could add $10k to the top end of the range and with the potential 20% bonus, it was within $8k of the low end of my range. I felt my throat clench and my stomach turn. I felt myself in danger of considering this job (that I haven't been offered yet) even as everything that came out of my mouth was meant to get them to go away. It was like when I was trying to break up with the last guy I dated: he was perfect on paper but he made my stomach turn. I decided to go to the last interview anyway, wait for the offer and then consider it. The SVP asked me very directly why I wanted the job. My answer was weird, weak and unconvincing, even to me. I couldn't think of a reason in the world why anyone would want this job. All of a sudden it made sense why they keep asking me that question.

A friend of mine asked me the same question only an hour earlier and my answer to her was honest. For this and the last three jobs I've considered, I wanted them "because of the potential that it could help my film career." That was my only answer. I couldn't believe it. How absurd! I'm too afraid to pursue what I really want so I look for it in a job. There's a part of me that wishes I could just get a job in a great company like this one, buy a house, meet a guy, get married and make a bunch of babies and friends who like to ski and camp and take trips together. As the years pass, however, more of me begins to accept that I'm just not that person. I'm an artist. I have more ideas than could ever be utilized in a job and at the end of the day, the only thing that matters to me is expressing myself. I can live without the other stuff but living a life without sharing my ideas and creating art with like minded people isn't living; it's dying a slow, comfortable death. I've spent the last three years discovering what came to me yesterday afternoon in an instant. I *don't* want that job, I never did and no one is convinced that I do, even if they see how my ideas and energy could benefit their company.

Starting my own business is also, I realize, not a means to financial independence in the usual sense. I'm not looking for a business idea that will make me rich. Living in this world of tech startups and VC capital has made me think that I probably could. I certainly have the ideas and smarts and enough talented friends to make it happen, but it isn't what I want. What I want is to make movies. That's it. Documentaries, shorts, features, low budget, big budget, webisodes, it doesn't really matter, as long as it's a film. I had a boss once who said my problem was I have "too much potential." He said that it would be hard for me to stay committed to art because I was capable of too many other things. He said that in 2002. It's true that choice can be paralyzing. It is extremely difficult to intentionally give up the earning potential of a steady career to be an artist. There's no clear path, no guarantee of success and no automatic respect in title.

When I get emails from actor friends, desperate for a job because they're flat broke, or when I hear filmmakers talking about spending everything they have on a film that didn't pay out, it scares me. This is a life of poverty and uncertainty, sometimes temporary, sometimes not. All of this time I've been accusing myself of running away from security, responsibility and commitment because I didn't have a solid career, a husband and a house. It turns out, I'm not not running away from anything, I'm just fumbling towards where I belong. The truth is, I do want those things, but not at the cost of giving up who I am.

I really should be a scientist

I keep coming to that conclusion. I know that in reality, scientists also have a hard time proving their worth, getting anyone to believe their ideas, and probably, also, have to answer questions like "what kind of team player are you?" Is this multiple choice? How many kinds are there? I don't know what it is but every question in an interview sounds like a veiled insult. "So you aren't working...what are you doing?" I'm looking for a fucking job! What do you think I'm doing? Well actually, I'm going on vacation to England (which they already know), I'm working on a documentary short for a non-profit (which is on my resume) and I'm blogging for WhatGives.com (which is what I actually said). The disinterested 25-year old with black hair hanging in his eyes made a note. I found out later that he's the quasi-blogger for the company. Sigh, why is this so nerve wracking?

If you read my previous post, you know I'm afflicted with massive regret syndrome which makes me agonize for hours, sometimes days after such an encounter, over every hideous answer, comment "that may be construed as negative" (which, I believe is literally everything) and the worse, over sharing. It is not always a good thing to be loquacious and at ease in front of an audience. I also should be clever enough to know that I could have prepared for this. Halfway through the interview, I was wishing I was a scientist and I could talk about data and research and things I'm building or testing or theorizing. I wish they'd give me a test or a "what would you do in this scenario?" Instead, they want to know about ME. What kind of person? What kind of worker? What kind of team member? What kind of interviewee? Did I tell you I was being group interviewed? Fun!

I wish I could say I felt good before, during or after my third interview for this job with the cool company, but I didn't. I looked really weird. My hair was flat, my face puffy, my skin red. What the heck? I never like what I'm wearing and always pretty sure it's all wrong. The last two days, I've been nervous and shredded my poor thumbnails so I was conscious of trying to hide those. And then the most senior woman in the room asked me when I graduated college, a date I intentionally left off my resume so as not to reveal my age. When I replied 1995 (and the others had also been asking about dates), I said "now you're all figuring out how old I am." Oh no, she said, we're not allowed to ask that.

I never knew how impossible it is to speak about myself without sounding like a total jackass. Really. Impossible! I feel like a used car salesman. My problem is, to combat the awkwardness, I'll show the customer the rust on the bottom, just so they know I'm on the level. Interviewing feels so messy to me, so out of control. It's like that scene in Parenthood where Steve Martin does the routine about slipping on Cowboy Dan's guts. That's me, except I'm slipping on my own guts. Oh well, it's over now and there's nothing I can do about it now except prepare for the next one and hope there is a next one.

Scared stupid

Even though I started working part time a month ago, I have done very little in the way of finding a job. Looking for a job is probably the most depressing thing I ever have to do. I will literally do anything to avoid it. The biggest problem is the jobs themselves, they all sound dreadful and not like something I would ever want to do for any amount of money. Then comes the dreadful realization that I have to do one of these god awful jobs if I expect to continue making delicious vegetables from the Farmer’s Market and sitting on my down-filled couch to watch my Netflix movies, and traveling to see my friends and family and buying new music and sleeping in my comfortable bed. Basically everything hinges on money coming into my bank account, which isn’t happening at the moment.

Working is easy. Getting up, putting on clothes and going to a job is a piece of cake. And honestly, I’ve never had a job that I thought was difficult. Stressful at times, perhaps, because people are involved. Politics, egos and emotions are hard to deal with, not work. But looking for a job is a whole different story. I don’t like talking about myself, I don’t like selling myself, and honestly I think my resume is a sad reduction of my potential as a worker and human being. Certainly I’m capable of much more than that piece of paper can explain. Usually the jobs are so reductive that it isn’t an issue, until now.

Tomorrow I go to interview for a company that, and I’ve never used these words to describe a company before, is unbelievably cool and awesome. They innovate, they solve problems, they come up with ideas and they produce them. They’re interested in what I’m interested in: how to make things better, why people do what they do, what people want, how to fix things that should be easy to fix, making life better. My first interview was over the phone and I all I did to prepare was look at their website. I took it at work on a conference phone and just winged it. I must have done well because they want me in person, but I literally had no idea the company I was interviewing with. I even referenced their fact sheet that I printed from their website, as if I had done my homework!

Now I’m completely freaked out. I feel like I just got lucky on the first interview. Everything I said on the call was in line with their company philosophies because I naturally am aligned with this company. I didn’t have any prepared answers and yet my responses were so right on, it must have seemed like I prepared them. Halfway through the call the ladies started asking what I liked to do for fun. I don’t think I’ve ever been asked that in an interview and I had no idea what to say. I stuttered and muttered and said something about being a geek and going to panels on environmental sustainability. Clearly, that does not accurately describe my fun time. But it made me realize they were looking at me as a person, not just a worker.

I have sat at my computer for the last two days trying to think of a way to put a cool presentation together, something that summarizes my experience or maybe some ideas for their company. Everyone must want to work here, and they must have a dozen or more super qualified and excited candidates. How can I make myself stand out? I’m literally frozen with fear and haven’t done anything. All the work I’ve done at other jobs seems so lame, most of it is lame, so how do I crow about it? After more than ten years in this business, I still feel like I’m waiting for my chance to shine. Self-help books always say if you're afraid, you're probably going in the right direction. Well I'm terrified, so maybe this is it.

Here's an example of what they design:


This company employs experts and thought leaders, TED types. I feel like a wanna be, a groupie in the presence of the greatest band ever. Why aren't I someone? Why aren't I an expert? I've been out of college for over a decade and feel like all I've done is grow my interests and potential. So much potential. So many interests! But where are my accomplishments? Why is it that I feel so unfinished, like I haven't even started taking shape yet?

One fell swoop

Last week was extremely difficult. It’s hard enough starting a new job, learning a new commute and schedule, but I was also interviewing for another job and feeling like a liar and a traitor. They had a welcome party for me Monday night and the people at this job are so nice. Smart and cool people that I would love to know. And yet, I knew when I took this that it wasn’t going to be something that would make me happy. Did I announce it on the blog? No. That’s pretty telling.

So my interviews were at a building in Century City where I had to valet. I had used my wrecked car as an excuse for my late arrivals at work but in reality, I pushed the car appointment to make the interview. When I pulled up for the valet, he saw the crunched car and I explained that I had to crawl out the passenger side. Okay, he said to which I added, “which means you have to crawl IN that side too.” He got a kick out of that and chose a valet driver to perform the taskIt was even funnier the next day when I showed up for the second interview. The guy saw me coming and just shook his head “no, no, no.”

The new job opportunity came from a recruiter who was referred by my boss at the company that laid me off. Things come full circle, eventually. It was so stressful to invest and being invested in a job without knowing if I was leaving. Although the new company said they would make a decision quickly, it wasn’t as quick as they said. After two in-person interviews, a phone interview on Monday and some questions by email on Tuesday, I finally got the job yesterday! I am so excited.

In one fell swoop I’m getting four things I have been asking the universe for:

1) A reason to move to the Bay Area
2) A senior level position
3) A job that combines my marketing, online and film industry experience and interest
4) Experience with a global company that opens up opportunities worldwide

In less than two weeks, I start working as a Senior Brand Manager for a major internet company in San Jose. That's right, I'm moving to the Bay Area!

Ask and you shall receive (but maybe not when you expect)

I must have been asking the universe for too many different things at the same time because in the last year jobs, opportunities and men have come and gone but none seemed like the perfect fit. They all were close to but not quite what I wanted. And yet now I realize, they all had their purpose.

Last year, I first considered giving up acting for a guy, then for a job and eventually happily quit acting. Then a friend got me another job that would bring my resume up to date, and with a real salary, I was able to pay off all of my debt in three months. In January, things got serious with a guy who lived in San Francisco and he asked if I would consider moving. I started questioning what my purpose was in Los Angeles, now that I wasn't acting, and remembered that I had always loved the Bay Area. Despite having just landed in Santa Monica and having my own apartment for the first time in six years, I was feeling done with Los Angeles. I decided I would take the leap but the relationship ultimately didn’t work out. Two months after taking another job, I was laid off.

That's when the major soul searching began. What kind of job did I want? Where did I want to live? Would I ever have the relationship I wanted in Los Angeles? I committed to a couple of film projects, told a man that I loved him and then, I took a job I didn't really want. Two days later, I got a call for a job that would change my life. A recruiter I had worked with before called to say she had my dream job. It sounded like exactly what I had been looking for, a senior level job that would require my marketing and film experience.

I shuffled time, missed sleep and stretched the truth to find several hours two days in a row to interview. I had to explore this opportunity, but I also wanted to be realistic. I had a job, a good job, and I needed to take ownership of it, despite this dangling carrot.

Another day in the trenches

My basic job hunting/finding problem is that I have done many different jobs and have excelled at all of them. It baffles most minds that a person could literally jump into a job they have never done and do it well, more than a few times. What I didn't realize is that those opportunities, while seemingly common in my world, are not common. What most hiring managers want is someone whose resume looks exactly like their job description. Someone who has done only the job their hiring for and is only interested in that job.

A while back, a recruiter contacted me about an email marketing job. They sent me a list of questions to answer before the interview and I did. To some of them I had to reply "I have no experience with this." I explained to the woman that this job was very technical and not something that i had experience in, or was particularly interested in. I can do it, I said, but I'd much rather be working on a broader marketing level. She wrote back, thank you, she'll keep looking. A couple of days later, she wrote again saying the company wanted to meet me anyway.

In my past interviews I felt like a round peg trying to be stuffed into a square hole of a job, trying to explain why I don't fit, so I decided to take a different tactic this time. Instead of defending my non-linear career path, instead of answering questions about my background and what I did or didn't do where, I would simply just start coming up with ideas and strategies for their company, sharing my marketing philosophy and generating questions for the interviewers. Don't tell them what you can do, show them.

Of course this is easier when interviewing with a company that has a product (rather than an agency in which I'd work for many clients that remain to be disclosed). Such as it was last week when I interviewed for an online photo fulfillment company. I had already interviewed once on the phone and it went well. I met with that same guy and two VPs. They rapid fired questions at me and I came right back with business strategies, product ideas and marketing questions. And, to my surprise, they were very pleased and impressed.

One of the VPs remarked, "You have a GREAT interviewing style, by the way." I thought for a moment that she was making a sarcastic remark to cut me down, but I don't think she was. "Most people," she said, "tell you everything they think you want to hear, but when they leave, you're not sure if it's true. You, on the other hand," she continued, "are totally honest, I feel like I know exactly who you are and what you can do." I've never heard it put that way, but she was right. When that quality is appreciated, it is usually by the owner of the company. That person wants smart, quick, no bullshit people in leadership positions, but when interviewing with upper management, those qualities are usually regarded as anathema.

Hiring managers are thinking one of three things: A) She'll take my job, B) She'll make me look bad or C) She'll make me have to work harder. These people like the status quo because it's easy. Change should come at a slow incremental pace. By comparison, I look like the leader of a revolution. I spent nearly four hours in this interview. They ran marketing problems, product problems, business problems by me. "How would you fix this?" "How would you tackle this?" "What would you do in this situation?" It was fun.

A few days later, the recruiter called me to say that they wanted to hire me as a consultant. I thought it was a dream come true. "They were very impressed with you," the recruiter said, "and think you're a very strong overall marketer." Fantastic! Exactly what I should be doing, crafting marketing strategy and handing over my recommendations for execution by someone else.No political crap, just doing the work. We discussed a rate and he called them to negotiate. Now, here's where the whole thing falls apart.

It's wonderful that I've been recognized for who I am. And I'm so flattered that this company wants to find a way to fit me in, but at the end of the day, all they need filled is a square hole, and I'm still a round peg. See, the recruiters double my rate to get their fee so by the time it's presented to the employer, it sounds outrageous. They needed an email marketer. Now they're thinking about paying a lot more money to hire a person who isn't a permanent employee to do a position that doesn't exist. And the job they're hiring for is still empty. Try justifying that to the boss.

They've now started checking my references so I'm thinking they're going to offer me the original email marketing position. And I'll have to decide if I want an hour commute to take a job that doesn't fit.

I get by with a little help from my friends

Wednesday, I agreed to drive a good friend of mine to the airport. We were supposed to meet for lunch but he was running late, after doing last minute errands, and we skipped it. Both hungry, we were a little crabby and the traffic didn't help. I had spent the morning crying after getting rejections from jobs I had applied to, jobs that I was completely qualified for. I was telling my friend how frustrated I was and said "I'm seriously concerned about my ability to support myself in the future."

He scoffed at me. "Why didn't you apply for the job at my company, the VP asked me today what happened to my candidate?" I was busy telling him why I wasn't qualified for that job, writing, producing and editing commercials for a cable network. "Shut up," he said, "just apply."

So I did. The next day I had an interview. I don't have the job YET but this guy was predisposed to like me, because of my friend. It was easy to feel relaxed and confident because even though I don't have the experience he was looking for, he was looking for a way to make it work. It's easier to teach people to edit, he said, than it is to get good ideas and he could "see the creative vibe coming off of me." He could see me! He recognized my talents!

There's a scene from Ratatouille (be prepared, I might be talking about this movie for a long time!) where the gourmet rat tries to explain his appreciation for food, his gift to recognize taste, to his brother. "Try this," he says, handing him a piece of cheese, "now try this," a strawberry, "NOW, try them together." The brother rat does and after a long build up comes back with "yeah, I just don't get it" then goes back to eating garbage. See, there are things you can't teach people. I keep getting feedback that I don't have enough experience and I think, screw experience, I have intuition, I have ideas, I have my finger on the pulse! Why don't they recognize my talents?

If I get this job, I'll be making the same money I was, working two miles from my house in the same building as one of my closest friends, learning a new skill (editing) and getting the opportunity to direct professionally! It's a possibility that I had not foreseen and could not have imagined. When everyone was saying that there was a reason I wasn't getting any of these jobs, that the perfect job was coming, I thought they were just being nice. Turns out, they were right!

Money is so gauche

In addition to not being smart enough to hire me, the VP that interviewed me for the position at the company "doing something I was really excited about" was offended by the fact that I took the other position "because they offered more money." How GAUCHE to consider money when looking for a job! Apparently his comment that "we're doing something noble here" should preclude me from even thinking about this job in the same terms as every other job - challenge, enjoyment, perks, money.

Unfortunately, he missed the point. My four hours of interviews and three glowing references should have been his indication of my level of interest. I mentioned the pay cut to EMPHASIZE that I was willing to make that sacrifice for this position (talk about noble). I waited a full 24 hours after my final interview for the job offer. It never came, so I took the other job. I'm glad I did too.

Word to the wise: It's just as important for a company to pitch you. You're more valuable than they are. Without employees, they're nothing and don't you forget it.

"We're doing something noble here."

A true sequence of events in my job search:

FRIDAY
I find a company doing what I want to be doing and I say to myself "I want to work for that company!"

TUESDAY
I get a job notice that this company is hiring! The job is not exactly what I want to be doing but I really want to work for this company. I send my resume and a nice letter.

THURSDAY
At a networking group and I mention it to a friend. Turns out, her boyfriend knows the VP that's hiring the position.

FRIDAY
My friend's boyfriend refers me.

TUESDAY
A woman at the company calls me and right away tells me the position pays thirty thousand less than I'm currently making - something that has been a concern for other applicants. I tell her I'd like to consider it anyway, since it's something I'm so interested in. We talk for an hour and she's wonderful.

She sets up an appointment for me to interview with the guy I'd be working for.

WEDNESDAY
She calls to say that he wants to see me sooner and moves the appointment up.

FRIDAY
The day of the interview, the VP changes the time and I'm kept waiting 15 minutes. By the time I get in the room with the guy, we only have a few minutes as he has another appt. He asks me to follow up with some details in an email.

MONDAY
I send the requested follow up email and mention that I considered this job despite the $30k pay cut because I expected to be excited by his vision but our mini-interview didn't allow for that. I also add that I've been offered another job and if he's interested, I'd like him to call.

I get a response right away. "Very impressive" it says. Then I get a call. It's him. He apologizes for giving me so little time before but explains that they're working on very important things.

We talk for an hour and he asks me a lot of high-level questions, the kind of things that no one in his price range would have an answer to. I'm not even sure most people in MY price range would have answers. He scoffs at my other offer, retorting that "we're doing something noble here."

He says they're making a decision by Thursday and after probing, says they're considering me and one other person.

I get an email asking for the names of three references.

TUESDAY
I get emails and IMs from my old bosses telling me that they've given me glowing reviews and I should be getting the offer soon.

WEDNESDAY
An email from the VP states that I got three "brilliant references" and will be getting another call to interview with some more people.

The subsequent interview is a joke, two ladies who don't feel it necessary to explain who they are, what they do at the company or why they are part of this hiring process. They start with "so tell us a little about yourself" and I'm starting to think after going through all this rigmarole there had better be an offer at the end of it.

THURSDAY
I receive NO follow-up to the last interview. I wait 24 hours and then send an email saying I really enjoyed meeting them, the company is doing some great things but I've taken the other job.

I receive a very quick reply "Okay, thanks."