Being the me no one else can be

I slept until almost 10:30, even though I was asleep before midnight. I packed almost my entire apartment this weekend with some help from a friend and took my last long walk on my beach, met friends for my last lunch at Le Pain du Quotidien, missed my last yoga class with my favorite teacher, and heard the church bells ring for the last time.


Now I'm sitting here kicking myself for not being able to think clearly for the last two weeks. When I thought my car was still going to be in the shop, I had bought a ticket to fly to San Jose thinking I would drive up with some things once I was actually moving. There were all these airport and car logistics so when I got the call that the car was ready, I canceled the flight. It dawned on me today that a) I really don't want to drive today, b) I'm already so late I've guaranteed myself a spot in South Bay rush hour traffic and c) I should be flying. I could have waited until 24 hours prior to cancel the ticket giving myself time to decide but I didn't.

I'm reading The Devil Wears Prada which isn't very good but the description of how the main character appears to the rest of the high-falutin' fashion people at the office and her first celebrity party makes me wonder if the girls at the massive agency (who work for ME by the way) were making fun of me when I wasn't there. I probably will have to splurge on some wardrobe items before going to Sundance just in case I meet the hottest eligible bachelor on the planet when I'm there. And after cracking open Season 6 of The West Wing on Friday night, I have already plowed through five episodes and a tear of gratitude fell for this show. CJ Cregg is the best character on the planet and now she's playing the first female Chief of Staff of the White House (there has never actually been a woman in this position), and she's amazing. I love that she's in totally in over her head but rises to the occasion, and somehow I think these two fictional characters (based on real people) have a lot to teach me about being able to kick ass as oneself in a new situation. I just hope clear thinking comes back to me soon.

The protocol of phone calls

Watching The West Wing recently, I noticed that the phone protocol occasionally indicated on the show is identical to the protocol used by executives in the film industry. I can only assume it is ubiquitous to the world of executives.

I once spent a year and a half working as the executive assistant to a producer and there is nothing in the job more important than learning and perfecting the nuances of making, receiving and returning phone calls. I thought it might be interesting to enumerate the rules of this unwritten system for those who aren't familiar with it.

Most executives have an assistant that handles phone calls. Depending on how busy they are, there may be more than one that fields calls but they all update the same "phone sheet" or "call sheet." This is a list that is kept and updated at least several times daily to record who needs to be called back. Name, phone number, when they called and why they're calling.

The people at the top of this list are those deemed to be the most important (not necessarily the ones that called the most recently or the most frequently). Sometimes there is a coding system to designate 1) Call ASAP 2) Call today 3) Call sometime and 4) Call?

One of two things designates a caller as important:
1) They are someone the recipient WANTS to talk to (and is trying to reach) - maybe they have a deal in progress - or they are returning a call the recipient initiated.
2) They are someone the recipient doesn't necessarily WANT to talk to but because the caller is an important person, the call must be returned ASAP to maintain a good relationship.

As an assistant, this is what is required of you:
1) You MUST make every effort to get your boss on the phone when one of the ASAP calls comes in. If your boss finds the call on the phone sheet and you hadn't called your boss on every phone available and left messages, your boss will yell at you.

2) You MUST correctly spell the name of every person calling, including the pronunciation if necessary and must know all the phone numbers that might be needed to reach that person. When your boss is ready to make that call, if you can't get that person on the phone because you don't have the phone number or your boss mispronounces their name because you misspelled it, your boss will yell at you.

3) You MUST be able to rattle off, in order of importance, the calls that came in while your boss was unavailable. Your boss will call you from the cell phone in the middle of traffic and another meeting on the other phone with someone else in the car and will want, in 2.5 seconds, everything important. If you are not brief or don't speak loudly enough, your boss will yell at you.

4) You MUST accurately update the phone sheet every time your boss returns to the office. Give your boss a clean copy updated with all the missed calls and be ready to dial some calls. If there are any calls not on the phone sheet that your boss knows came in, your boss will yell at you.

(It’s possible that you will have a boss that doesn’t yell at you but chances are they are not very important or not very busy. They don't consider this a difficult job and quickly lose their patience if you can’t do it.)

When your boss returns and is ready to make calls, it’s called “rolling calls” because you’ll make a bunch, leave messages and get calls coming back right away. It happens very quickly, you might have 20 calls to make in an hour, you'll be juggling 3-4 at a time and you’ll have to keep track of who was talked to, who you left messages for and remember who is a priority. Your boss might even be dialing his own calls while you're on hold!

Here are some things that make the difference between good and great in the land of assistants:
1) You must protect your boss at all times. Your boss is never doing anything personal and is always working. You should find out the preferred responses when your boss can not or does not want to take a call. For example, if you say “I’m sorry, she can’t take your call right now, she’s in a meeting” it opens you up to more questions.

“In the office?”
“Out of the office?”
“Who’s the meeting with?”

The key is to give away AS LITTLE INFORMATION AS POSSIBLE and be very firm. Annoyingly repetitive if necessary. These people play a lot of games to get information about each other and they will try to get it through you. Give it away and your boss will yell at you.

This is the best response for all scenarios: “I’m sorry, he’s not available to take your call, can I have him return?” Turn the focus on the caller – getting their name and phone number, any important details. DO NOT promise when your boss will call. “Great! He’ll call you back as soon as he can.”

2) Giving your boss a competitive advantage will make her loyal to YOU. Being close to other assistants will allow you to ask for favors and get at the top of the phone sheet. Rap about personal stuff, be their friend, learn as much as you can about their bosses and their habits. You will need these people more often that you know to help cover your ass when you screw up (and you will). Never forget, however, that if they are good at their job, they are always protecting their bosses and their asses. Learn to read between the lines.

3) The talent of being able to prioritize immediately and connect the dots to figure out who is an important caller will make you shine in your boss’ eyes. Your boss doesn’t want you interrupting a call that isn’t important but certainly doesn’t want to miss a call that is. Keep in mind that you have the power to influence and you can make a call more or less important.

So as the caller to a busy executive, how can you be considered important and get to the top of the phone sheet?
1) You MUST not irritate or confuse the assistant. Be brief, concise and confident. Spell your name if you think they don’t know you, give them your phone number every time even if you know they have it, and always be nice.

2) Respectfully refer to the person you’re calling as Mr. or Ms. Last Name.

3) Be professional on the first call but friendly after that. You must ingratiate yourself with the assistant. Be someone they want to make happy. Pique their interest.

4) You are allowed to call once per day if you aren’t getting a return call. Still, be brief and be nice. Don’t make the assistant feel bad for not getting a return call. Be patient. Important people take a while sometimes but it doesn’t mean they hate you or think you’re a loser. It usually means: a) They’re just too busy b) They’re nervous to talk to people they don’t know or c) They have bad news for you and are procrastinating.

Here’s how it should go:

Call #1 (Be professional)
“Margaret Miller’s office.”
“Hi, John Smith calling for Ms. Miller.”
“She’s not available, may I take a message?”
“Yes, could you ask her to call me regarding the Big Merger?”
“Your phone number?”
“888-888-8888”

Call #2 (Be nice)
“Margaret Miller’s office.”
“Hi, how are you? It’s John Smith. Is she around?”
“No, she’s not. Can I have her call you back?”
“Yeah. I was hoping we’d get a chance to talk this week, you think she’ll be able to get back to me?”
“I’ll see what I can do. Are you at the same number?”
“Yes.”
“What’s your name?”
“Jamie.”
“Thanks Jamie.”

Call #3 (Be someone the assistant wants to help)
“Margaret Miller’s office.”
“Jamie, it’s John Smith calling for Ms. Miller. Am I in luck?”
“John, I’m sorry, she’s not around.”
“If there’s any way I can speak with her today, I’d really appreciate it.”
“Are you going to be around at 4pm?”
“Yeah.”
“I think we might able to get you back then.”
“Great! I’ll be at 888-888-8888.”

Call #4 (Be someone important)
“Margaret Miller’s office.”
“Hello, it’s John Smith. I guess she ran out of time yesterday.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry.”
“Listen, I really need to speak to her today or tomorrow. This merger is time critical. Can you let her know that?”
“Yes, I will.”
“Thank you. You have the number?”
“Uh…888-888-8888?”
“That’s it. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Okay.”

Call #5 (Get the call!)
“John, I have Margaret Miller calling.”
“Thank you.”

As you might guess, people with assistants can potentially get higher on the phone list. The assistants know each other and can make sure their bosses call each other back OR can get you the answers you need without the return call. When you call or get a call from someone important, know that you'll probably get an assistant.

When you're being connected, the person receiving the call or the more important comes on the phone last. This is sometimes a power struggle as everyone wants to come on the phone last and no one wants to sit on hold. This is what the assistant is for!

"Someone should be held accountable"

My obsession with The West Wing continues as I start season four. In the last episode of season three, CJ's love interest (the super hot Mark Harmon) was shot and killed in a robbery. It was so upsetting, I actually yelled at the TV "why can't they leave these people alone!" It seems like people are always getting killed on that show. Now I know why. People are always getting killed in real life.

The shooting yesterday, in Virgina, the deadliest in US history, has sparked outrage from the rest of the world about the ease and prevalence of obtaining a gun in the United States. And even though most of the handgun deaths occur on our soil, we're the largest manufacturer of weapons in the world, making this a global issue.

"Mexican authorities reported that 80 percent of guns in the country came from the U.S., 50 percent of handguns seized by Canada's gun crime task force were also smuggled across the U.S. border and 30 percent of guns recovered by Japanese authorities originated in the U.S., the IANSA found."

Gun deaths persist even in countries with zero tolerance policies towards guns in large part because they continue to be made and are bought so easily in the U.S. A London Times columnist asks why Americans continue to tolerate our lax gun laws and a culture that allows so many people to die by something so easily avoidable. I'm embarrassed to be seen as tolerating it and yet when I asked a friend what he thought, he said "it's tragic but unavoidable."

"The president believes that there is a right for people to bear arms, but that all laws must be followed," said Dana Perino, a spokesperson for President George W. Bush. "And certainly bringing a gun into a school dormitory and shooting ... obviously that would be against the law and something that someone should be held accountable for."

How barbaric a society we live in where the government defends people's rights to kill each other! SOMEONE should be held accountable for these deaths? WHO? The guy who killed 33 people and then shot himself? Hundreds of laws are passed to protect us from ourselves without nearly the debate appointed to gun control.

You must wear a seatbelt in a car (11,000 lives saved per year), you must not drive under the influence of drugs or alcohol, you must wear a helmet when riding a motorcycle, you must stop at a red light.

We have laws protecting us from food that could kill us (even if it's caused by OUR OWN bad eating habits) since heart failure is the number one cause of death in America, laws protecting us from second hand smoke and drugs that might harm us, and we have guard rails in every public place to protect us from falling to our death.

Unfortunately, many of these laws are only passed because companies don't want to get sued. Problem is, there's no one to sue when someone shoots and kills you. If there were, GUARANTEED that person/company would have found a way to protect us from getting shot.

CNN reports that "small arms manufacturing in the U.S. is a $2 billion-a-year industry." Still think those gun lobbyists are protecting our right to bear arms? In the aftermath of 9-11, President Bush said “We will make no distinction between the terrorists who committed these acts and those who harbor them.”

It's good to be wrong

I'm on season three of The West Wing and I LOVE THIS SHOW. It's a show for smart people, about smart people. The dialogue is so quick, so sharp and filled with humor but you have to be fast to get it. One of my favorite things about the show is that these people, including the president, make mistakes.

They're passionate, opinionated and always trying to do the right thing but often they end up being wrong. But sometimes they're RIGHT. And just like you can't succeed if you don't fail, you can't be right if you're never wrong. People make mistakes because they're doing something. People afraid of failing or making a mistake, don't do anything at all. Who would you rather be?

At my last job, everyone was so afraid of making a marketing mistake. "What if we offend someone?" "What if someone doesn't get it?" "What if?" "What if?" They didn't know what was going to happen. It's not like they had done any market research or even knew their current customers well enough to know what they'd respond to but the fact is, if you don't take a chance, you won't engage anyone. You'll just have boring, innocuous advertising that no one will ever see or notice. (But you probably won't offend anyone!)

A friend in the company of enemies

The first season of The West Wing is so fantastic. I can't recommend it highly enough. I've never watched a TV show that was at once entertaining, moving and educational. I'm so inspired to get back into politics and have a renewed interest to listening to anything the president's staff has to say on NPR in the mornings. In fact, I'm more interested in what the president has to say and I haven't listened to that guy in years.

There are so many quotable quotes and I'm constantly thinking how much this show reminds me of my work situation. I work at a mediocre company with a mediocre product. The company was once different and new and made money so no one ever told them that they were doing it wrong. No one ever pointed out that promoting from within can be a bad move if no one working there has ever worked anywhere else. No one ever thought competitively or wondered how to get ahead because they were already ahead. And then they weren't. And now they really aren't.

I've become really good friends with a co-worker there - we've bonded over our mutual brightness and too-good-for-the-company-ness. But despite hating it, we've given almost a year of our lives out of some kind of nihilistic desire to fix the place. We have succeeded but the change and growth is at such an incremental level. It's like getting crumbs that keep you from starving to death but all the while, you're starving. Just not to death. But almost to death.

We're praised for our good ideas but swatted back into our place if we challenge someone else's ideas. We're "allowed" to work on projects the way we want but then given no support so it's more work than it's worth. Sometimes we're just flat out attacked or insulted for being who we are. One night watching The West Wing a character said to Charlie, the president's aide who was the target of an assassination attempt for dating the president's daughter:

"If they're shooting at you, you know you're doing something right."

Damn right.

The Tipping Point

I'm not the first to try something (that's an early adopter) but if I try and like it, I'll tell everyone. Recently a friend got me into The West Wing. It started innocently enough, on my brand new Mac, we downloaded the first episode from iTunes.

I had never downloaded a show from iTunes and if asked (pre-West Wing), probably would have said "I have no interest in watching a TV show on my computer, what's the point?" I got hooked and ended up downloading the entire first season from iTunes. One episode at a time. At one point, I was watching an episode before bed and then downloading three while I was sleeping for the next couple of nights. Overnight I became someone who downloads TV shows on iTunes and talks about it. It's easy! It's cheap! It's really cool. (Season Two I bought on DVD)